A Penny for your thoughts.

I am in love with this song. 

Crabby Mommy Monster strikes Tokyo!

I have been out of work on leave for a week now, and date to return is TBD And I am going CRAZY!
I find myself to be super short with the girls, and then I'm mad at myself at the end of the day when I sit down and think "I'm a giant crazy monster"
I never realized how important work was in my life, not for the sake of the job, because lets face it.... my job kinda sucks. It's boring, mind numbing work. The only challenge I face is will I be able to sit through this 6 to 8 hour shift without wanting to blow my brains out.
And I can hear some of you already "why don't you get a new job".
Well my dear readers let me tell you why.. Actually I just wrote that out and it totally derails this post.so lets disregard that and leave it for another post.

Even tho my job sucks, I miss it. in an "i-must-be-so-out-of-my-mind-its-disgusting" sort of way.  But I need interaction with humans other then the preschool/non-verbal baby type. I get excited when we run out of milk! So I get to go to the store.. for those of you who were unaware.
I must say this wouldn't be so hard on me if it were the summer time, When I can go outside an enjoy the nice weather.
But winter is cold and snow is even colder and wetter. I'm not a fan. Neither is Sophia. Emma is sometimes. So we don't get out much and it does not help that we don't have a yard... and the little plot of land they like to refer to as a yard is unusable thanks to the inconsiderate dog owners in out building. Thanks guys!!

I dislike being a crabby mommy monster. But in my defense. It doesn't help that my neck/left shoulder blade/back/chest area has been in increasing pain since Jan 1st.

Hopefully I will get some relief and a much needed break and be back to my normal not so crabby self.

Milestone!

Today Sophia decided it was time to stand on her own two feet. Literally.

My Little girl, my little baby. Pulled herself to standing today!
I wasn't able to get pictures yet because it was so exciting! That we just celebrated but I will definitely grab pictures of her doing it today!
Lets place bets on when this little girl will be walking!

My name is NOT Emma.

Introducing Casey....  I came home from work one day last week and I was informed my oldest daughter was no longer going by the name Emma. She was now to be called Casey...... proceeded by hours and days of "what was the name I picked?"

Oh, what's your name, you are so silly!

Bringing light to the darkness.

I've been having a dream lately of a childhood memory.

I was at the park beside my house playing on the jungle gym that was fashioned like a covered wagon, only not covered.

I turn around and there is a man on the opposite side of the jungle gym, I knew this man back then but his face is absent from my dream, and memory. 

He's holding on to the top of the bars leaning in and says "why did you tell your parents? why did you lie to them?" 

Frozen I say " I didn't lie."

I try to move to one side and he mirrors my actions. I jump off the end of the jungle gym and I run to my neighbors house, I bang on the door and ask if my friend Billy is home. I remember sitting in his living room while he watching some TV show and I kept looking at the window scared to look outside, I eventually fall asleep on the floor until one of my parents comes to get me, though I'm not sure which one it actually is.

 

That really happened, in real life. In my real life. I was very very very young. I'm not sure why I was allowed to play outside all by myself at that age..... but I was.

 

I'm not sure why this dream has been occurring. I'm not sure why I relive those moments.

For a long time growing up I was never sure if these were real memories, or just dreams I remembered for so long.

Maybe I always knew they were real but my conscious mind wouldn't let me really accept them.

 

To this day a lot of it is still blank. I remember playing with my friend I can't remember her name though. She had the best doll house, and I was always so jealous of that doll house. I had never owned one even though I had an absurd amount of barbies. I remember going into her dads room and then it's blank. I don't remember the leading up to his room, I don't remember what happened. I remember talking to my mom in my room at night, and I remember being scared. I remember my 'safety picture' it was a picture of apple trees in green grass. And I remember the feelings I had, embarrassment, guilt, sadness. All those emotions changed into anger as the years went on.

Tho I never knew where all the anger came from. I was never sure if anything I remembered was real. No one talked about it. No one mentioned anything. It was as if it never happened.

But I knew something was wrong with me. And I never could tell exactly what it was.

 

 

Years later I confided in what I thought was a friend. I sent her an email about what happened to me tried to explain things.... I needed to tell someone I needed to talk about it, I needed for there to not be a deafening silence around this.

Later on that friend, posted my email to her, on a blog she owned. Mocking me. making fun of my spelling errors and what had happened to me. She posted it for everyone to see.

I regretted telling her, i regretted confiding in her, the first person I talked to about this... ever.

Now, I didn't know who knew, who read her mean, hurtful post.... my email. I secretly never wanted to go back to school. But I'm not one who ever backs down or runs away defeated.

 

Over the next few years I told a few people, people who experienced similar things, people who needed someone to relate to, to confide in. I wanted them to know I knew how they felt.

Only, Its different. Its different because I can't remember the details. Its different because I only have the aftermath that is left inside me. The brokenness is all I know. I just cant remember the incident(s) that broke me.

 

 

The last year and a half  I have had to deal with more then one occurrence that has brought all of this rushing back. flooding me in an instant and I am frozen in the moment. I relive a lifetime in a few minutes. 

 

I don't know how to handle these sorts of things. I know what I went through and I know what it brings but I feel the proper steps were never taken in my case when I was very little and unable to take those steps myself. When I was unable to form the correct thoughts and voice my own opinion on the matter. So when I am faced with something so strong and it is left in my hands to choose the path we proceed I feel helpless. I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want to miss step, Its to fragile a situation to make even the slightest wrong move, it could set forth a change that will last a lifetime, a change that is not always for the best.

My immediate reaction is completely and utterly emotion based so I have to sit back and detach myself from it so I can think with the clam clear mind, but that feels wrong in a way.

 

I also feel that it is wrong that I can't remember. Shouldn't I remember? Why do so many people have these memories they have to deal with and I was the 'lucky one' who can't remember who can only feel what is left. When I think about it, it makes me feel guilty.

 

 

I decided years ago that I was not going to let my brokenness run my life, but I've come to realize it's not something I can control. It's who I am. It has molded me into the person I am today as did everything about my past, good and bad. I am emotional tho mostly I harnessed my anger and use it to fuel my determination in anything I did, now I try to control my anger instead of letting it control me. I'm a fierce fighter when I feel the fight is worth it. I can be completely indifferent when i choose to be. I am always their for anyone I call a friend, I will bend over backwards for any one of them if they truly need help. I have proven that time and time again. I love Matt and my children with a fierceness I never thought I could. I would and will fight tooth and nail for my family.

As i grow older I learn more about myself, I learn more of what I am capable of. But I also learn to accept when I need help. I'm taking steps to be a better me so I can be a better mommy, a better girlfriend, a better friend and a better person in general.

 

I'm sure I will write more about this sort of topic in the future, I have a lot of it inside of me, and a lot I have never shared with anyone. It's very hard to let people see inside the brokeness.Especailly when on more then one occastion I have been mocked by people I once trusted.

I'm the bad guy. but maybe its a good thing?

Last night I had a mommy moment that I'm not happy about and would like to share with you, and maybe you can give me a little advice or your opinion.

It started off with me asking Emma to pick up her puzzle she had all over the floor in the living room. She refused and stared to watch TV. I told her I would have to shut off TV until she picked up her puzzle if she did not start it right now.
She started to yell. I shut off TV. She proceeded to pick up one of the 3 remotes and threaten to turn it back on. I kept my tone even and under control and I told her "we were not playing, this was not a game, pick up your puzzle and I will turn TV back on"
She tried getting the correct remote from me, she was laughing and giggling and either thought it was a game or was trying to turn it into a game. However I did not find the same humor in the situation.
She started to freak out, Then informed me she was NOT going to EVER pick up her puzzle.... unless daddy helped her.
She went over and sweetly asked Daddy to help her "Daddy, pretty please would you help me pick up my puzzle, please, pretty pretty please"
Daddy. "No Emma, I am busy doing something you pick up your puzzle"
That went on for a few minutes until she ran to her room and shut the door... well not shut the door, slammed her door. (I don't take kindly to slamming doors or stomping feet. We need to respect the people downstairs)

Let me side track here and tell you, though Emma is generally a well behaved little girl she HATES cleaning and picking up after herself... when she doesn't want to. It is Literally driving me crazy. I come home from work and the house looks like a tornado hit it, between her, Sophia and daddy. So I have little patients for this sort of thing because it happens on almost a daily basis and nothing I do to modify her behavior in this area is working.

So, after she runs to her room crying and slams the door, I inform her if she does not pick up her puzzle I will pick it up but if I have to pick it up I will throw it out. She screams like someone just cut off her leg. How could anyone throw out her most favorite puzzle of he life that she has had for only 24 hours.
Calmly I tell her, I have asked her nicely many times to pick up her puzzle and she has to make a choice, to pick it up and keep it, or I pick it up and throw it out. But she has a choice and her choices and actions have consequences.
She came out of her room and told me she would NEVER EVER clean up her puzzle because no one would help her.
I had to explain to her that I would have gladly helped if she has asked nicely from the start instead of screaming and not listening. And Daddy already told her many times he was busy.
She Stomped around and said "I will NEVER EVER CLEAN UP!"

So at this point I have had enough (keep in mind its been about 20 minutes) and I Stand up and she FREAKS THE FREAK OUT!
 I start to pick up  the puzzle because I feel I have given her more then enough chances, I've explained the consequences and she has made her choice... I refuse to do this all night.
She is yelling, throwing herself on top of the puzzle, stomping, screaming bloody murder.

I look up at Matt at his computer and said "anytime Matt, anytime you can jump in here"
I'm not sure if he said anything because I was trying to not lose it and I had a screaming 4 year old in my ear.
after a few minutes of Emma trying to rip the pieces out of my hands Matt stands up and says "Emma calm down I will help you pick them up."


WHAT?!?!


If you were going to help her pick them up, you should have done it when she ASKED the first time. NOT after all of this. Because now she said no she will never pick it up, thrown a fit, screamed, and so forth. In my book she lost her puzzle. and NOW he is helping her pick them up and she gets everything she wants.
In my book she just learned "If i yell enough, I will get what I want"
I was so mad that I dropped all the pieces I had picked up and sat on the couch in a huff.

I was so mad, I felt it was absolutely wrong. and I felt slightly betrayed, maybe that is the wrong word, but I feel Matt should have backed me up here and I'm still upset about it.

I kept my cool through the whole thing, Usually it ends up as a yelling match between Emma and I. Yes I'm not proud of the fact that a 4 year old provokes me into yelling and I'm not proud that I lose my temper, HOWEVER, I have been working on it.
Emma and I have started to do Deep breathing when we get upset. (and sharing our feelings for instance Emma has to tell me when shes mad, or sad and tell me why so we can work from there) So I am trying to set a good example for her. I do not want my girls to grow up and handle anger the way I always have in the past so I'm taking steps to improve this.

Matt feels Emma is 4 and can't control all her actions that's she still impulsive and doesn't always understand. He also thinks that taking her stuff away wont teach her, because it hasn't in the past...
True, in the past we have taken things away... but she ALWAYS GETS THE BACK! in a day, a week, a month.. she ends up with it back. She's not learning anything.

I feel Emma knows what she is doing shes a smart kid. I know she sometimes does things to manipulate, she does sometimes fib, I know this. I know she is ready for negative consequences for her negative actions. She will learn if we are consistent.
However we have to be a united front. Most of the time he does back me up, even if he does not agree. But last night I worked really hard to be clam and explain things clearly and she made her choice.

I want Emma to learn her actions have consequences, good and bad. I want her to learn to pick up after herself and value her possessions. and I want her to listen.









However I should note while I was typing all of this out, Emma had her puzzle all over the floor again. She was eating her cereal and Sophia was crawling around. She started to go after Em's puzzle and Em ran over to protect it from the clutches of Sophzilla. And she ended up picked up her puzzle when she noticed Soph wasn't going to give up on getting her slobbery paws on those delicious puzzle pieces. When she finished picking it up she announced to me that she was good and picked it all up.

The inseparable duo

Lots of people told me that having Sophia would turn Emmas world upside down. (including my dad) Since she had been an only child for so long she would hate having to shair the attention with a new baby that she wouldn't really like because it was also another girl.

They told me that having the two girls would be very hard.

 

My family is simply amazing.

Emma LOVES Sophia, more then any big sister has ever loved a little sister. Since day 1. Emma has always been right there for Soph, always wanting to be around her make sure she is included. If someone is playing with Sophia and they are having fun, Emma will go see whats going on and enjoy watching and then go back to what she was doing. There is no jealousy what do ever. Sometimes she will join in. She always makes sure her little sister is taken care of.

 

 

And Sophia. LOVES her big sister. As soon as Emma walks into the room Sophia lights up and starts to giggle and babble.

Sophia has been saying "Em ma" forever. We laughed at first because we thought it was a funny accident, but she keet doing it. I'm not so sure it is just a happy accident

 

My two girls are inseperable.

I remember the first time Emma was going to Grandpa's after Sophia was born and when she found out Sophia wasnt going to be staying and it was just her, she cried and cried because she didnt want her sister to be without her. :)

 

I hope their bond lasts forever.

And I hope any more children we may have are excepted just the same way by both Emma and Sophia .

 

 

 

 

 

Fishsicle

Emma is to funny!

She drove by a frozon pond with her Grandpa the other day he said "Emma look the pond is frozen"

and she said "All the fish are stuck"

And just to visualize what she was visualizing was pretty funny to me.

 

 

 

 

A childhood dream

When I was little... Whenever my family and I would be driving anywhere I would sit a certain way in the back seat so people driving behind us could see just how beautiful I was, and maybe... just maybe it would be a movie scout... or a prince? Or someone who was rich and famous and would want me to marry their equally rich and famous son. I thought they would spot me and then follow us where ever we happened to be going just to sign me to a movie, or set up a date with there ridiculously good looking son who would someday down the road marry me.

Or for some reason just by looking at me they would know I was a great signing and sign me to a record label and I'd become the next pop star...

 

 

 

Um.... it hasn't happened yet, but I still have my fingers crossed.

Friends

Recently I read a post on Face book that said "Friendship is a relationship. It doesn't work if only one person cares." and as cheesy as it is, it got me thinking.

 

I have been a crappy friend lately.

 

I get mad when my 'friends' don't put forth the effort to maintain a relationship. I know I have kids and some of them don't so hanging out doesn't always sound like fun to them. And I know they have their friends that they go out with, and that's cool. But it would also be nice to hear from them, or get a text from them, I don't think that takes up to much time....

 

....I realized the things I have been getting mad about, I myself have been guilty of doing. And I seriously need to reevaluate myself... and some of my 'friends'

 

I need to start putting forth more effort and making time. and I'd expect the same from my friends.

I need to stop wasteing time on dead relationships and nurture the ones that are still here the ones that even tho i disapper without warning sometimes they are always there and always trying to make me come around aigan.

To you guys, Thank you.

Don't underestimate me

Remember when I told everyone I wanted to go back to school and everyone told me I couldn't and/or shouldn't do more then 1 class that I couldn't/ wouldn't be able to handle it with both my girls and my full time job. 

Well remember when I didn't listen to any of you and I took 3. And got all A's. And remember how I still have time to spend with my girls, and work.

Oh and Remember when I was homeless with a 1 year old and everyone told me I should drop out of the EMT courses I was taking. and Remember when I didn't. And remember how I worked really hard and got my own place all while raiseing a beautiful little girl and working my ass off.

People clearly underestimates me and what I am capable of.

I have decided I need to stop turning to my fair weather friends for advice and guidence. I think I do better when I rely on myself.