Better Late then never

I wrote this one June 3rd and never posted it. Oops

For the first time Ever in Sophia’s little life she came into my room and asked to sleep in my bed. At first I was slightly annoyed because Matthew had just woke me up on his trip to bed, (opening the loudest door on the face of the earth, doing a flip/summer sault into bed while holding a flash light shined directly onto my face and then adjusting the himself and the blankets to get everything just right like his life depended on it..)

But then I remembered Sophia was never a co-sleeper, so this would be nice.
I mean, when she was tiny she slept with me but when she was only a few months old (maybe 6 months) she went into her crib because she slept better there.
Emma, however, slept in my bed until she was 3. 

So Sophia came in and said “Can I lay here” and snuggled up next to me. She apparently brought her baby space heater with her because holy crap it was hot once she got there. She also kept touching her feet to my leg which drives me mental at night time. I kept scooching over and would slide the blanket between my leg and her feet and not 1 minutes later here comes those sneaky feet … seriously kid, stop touching my legs! 

I also have to mention at  1am while you are looking at your sweet baby snuggled up next to you and your heart is about to burst with joy and love….. the darkness starts to do crazy things.
Sophia’s face started to morph into alien like craziness. I was not sure if her eyes were open or closed. “Is she looked at me right now? Is my soul safe?” At one point I got pretty spooked and had to talk myself into not running away.  “This is your daughter; it is only the darkness making her look strange your eyes are playing tricks on you. This is NOT an imposter child who is waiting until you fall asleep to murder you. Nor is this a case of an alien stealing her body”
I’m not gunna lie, I was tempted to go check her bed to make sure the real Sophia was not sound asleep there.  After I talked myself off the crazy train I started to get comfortable and fall asleep and then Sophia rolled over and used her right elbowed to attack my eye socket. And her left hand to smack my face. :/

 Waking up in the morning was nice, Getting out of bed grabbing my work clothes and hearing over my shoulder “Mom!?” In the little kid sleepy voice of hers. I told her to go back to sleep and she laid back down snuggled up under the blanket and looked so tiny and cute.
I guess all the scariness was worth it for that one moment of heart exploding cuteness

I'm a little to Irish.

 Apparently I am just a tad bit to Irish to live anywhere with sunlight.

I walk outside even with SPF 5000 and I still start to sizzle. I'm sure anyone standing near by can hear it.  A few weekends ago Emma had a girl scout camp day and I slathered on a sunscreen and still got a stupid sunburn and again today.

I was going to make a comment about how I need to live somewhere completely cloud covered HOWEVER. When I went to NH  in November I was in dense  woods and it was a cloudy day I still left with a sunburn. Are you kidding me??!

Please NASA, I'm begging you, blow up the sun.

Bathtub

Renting this apartment above my mother has it's advantages. HOWEVER, I really miss having a bathtub.
We have only a stand up shower and it's great if you want to save the planet... because who wants to stand up in the shower for an hour, and how relaxing can standing in a foggy mini jail be?.. But who wants to save the planet when it comes to filling up a tub with a ridiculous amount of water, basically a mini swimming pool. At least 3 times a week. 

I used to do all my reading for my classes in the tub. That might be TMI, but seriously, it was the only place I didn't have someone using my face as a pillow or catipulting over or onto me. It's also nice not hearing MOM! MOMMY! MOOOOOOOOOOMMM!! (Do they not know they have a dad? Come on!).

I mean realistically, I should blame this apartment completely for making me fall behind in my class.

Can I pass in a note from my landlord to the professor, it's possible she will understand. right?

Snow Day!

Woke up this morning and could not see out of my bedroom window (On the second floor) The snow drift from the roof below it was so tall. We also could not get out our front door.

After it stopped blizzarding outside and the sun came out Emma and I bundled up and went out to check out the awesomeness. The snow banks out front came up to my waist and Emma could barely move. SO FUN!
We slid down the stairs, fell into snow and started to shovel out. only it was no use and BORING! So we woke Matt up. Him and Sophia joined us.

The snow walls the snow blower made were so cool for the kids. And the night before we set up the jungle gym with a tarp over it hopeing it would make a useable sturdy igloo.. Since the snow was not wet enough it didn't stick as well as we hoped but still fun.

I did not intend to be away so long

It's been over a year since I wrote in here. whoa. I never intended to be away so long but every time I thought about witting something I either was at a loss for words or I found myself doing something else instead.

I start a new job on Monday at QCC in the financial aid department. I'm not gunna lie I am nervous for sure. I'm still taking classes full time. The good news is though that I am nearly done with my associates degree. After this semester I only have 3 classes to go and my plan is to finish them this summer.

The girls are amazing. Emma is in first grade now. I'm not sure when that happened. She is an amazing student, she loves school and loves her teachers! She is also in girl scouts and looks forward to those days. We are hoping swim lessons in the summer and then karate and/or dance in the fall.

Sophia is doing great. I'm a little upset I didn't follow through on my gut feeling that something was wrong with her hearing. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it because we are taking the right steps now but it sucks knowing that this could have been dealt with a lot sooner.
She is starting speech therapy on Monday and will have surgery March 1st.

Good things are happening in the Greenwood house.

Bored.......

I find myself being so incredibly  bored these days.
A typical week day, we wake up at 730, Emma is on the bus at 8:30, I play with Soph until 10 she naps until 12 when Emma gets home. Lunch. Then a whole lot of nothing until Dinner time then baths and bedtime at 7.
Weekends are much of the same.
I don't feel like doing crafts because 1 they are messy and 2 Sophia either will make a HUGE mess and I will chase her around with her fingers covered in paint. OR she will want NOTHING to do with it and just bug/hit/pull Emmas hair.
They will play with Emmas new doll house by themselves for a long time. And I do a whole lot of nothing.

We are down to one car so I don't always have the option to go somewhere. and that REALLY sucks.

I'm looking forward to my classes starting. but I wish I had a part time night or weekend job.

I know i'm doing a lot of complaining but OMG! I'm so BORED! today was the WORST more boring day EVER!    I really need a hobby and my girls need something fun to do.

It's been so long, so heres a crappy post.

It has been FOREVER! since I last wrote in here. There has been so much to happen and I always think about writing but I never actually sit down to do it.
To be honest signing into the blog made me think of the last time I signed in. And I didn't want to think of it really.

So lets focus on good things! We got a bunny, Adagio. He is awesome. Sophia terrorizes him! she tries to sit on him, and corner him so she can pat him, hard. He just takes it tho. Such a good bun bun.

Um what else. I got engaged... wait, what?? YES! 11-11-11 at 11:11pm. = awesome.

I spend so much time on my computer planning the wedding. writting notes, being an obsessive maniac.
I bought my dress. i LOVE IT! We have the date set, the place picked.



The Greenwood Marron house had a great Christmas. The girls had so much fun!! I think next year will be even better for the girls because Sophia will understand the whole Santa thing.

I think now that i've got over the hump of signing into this account, maybe I can write something with more substance later.

I Wish I Was Only Dreaming

What is there left to say when you feel like you've already said all you could.
What is there left to say when you feel like no one is listening.
What is there left to do when you feel like you've run out of options.
I feel like I'm constantly hitting a brick a wall.
I feel like I am constantly fighting an up hill battle.
I feel like there is just to many demons to fight alone.
I feel like I can't truly trust anyone.
I feel all alone.

I wish I could move far far away, change my name and disappear.

It's been a while... so heres a post.

I've always had a very hard time doing or saying anything that could make me be perceived as weak or a failure.
And that's driven me for a long time.
Only weak people can't handle emotions.
Only weak people cry.
Only people who are weak take medication or go to therapy.
You're a failure if you admit you need help.
You're a failure if you can't do everything yourself.

These are some of the things that I've always told myself, I've always felt.

It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, it still takes some for me to admit that I always will. It's hard for me to change this state of mind that I've Lived so long with.

But thank god for my kids. They alone are the reason I looked for help.
Even tho the majority of my brain tells me that no one needs me, everyone would be better off, or at least unaffected with out me. A very small, incredibly smart part of my brain told me to stop being stupid, that my girls will always need me. And if I want to be around, physically, mentally and emotionally then I need to do something.

So I started seeing a counselor. And though it helped, it wasn't enough, so I did what I never wanted to do. I called my doctors office and I told the secretary I needed to see the doctor, when she asked what for. I said out loud for the first time, depression. And she didn't start laughing, she didn't say "are you serious? Fucking suck it up."  And booked me an appointment for that day.

When I went in to see the doctor, as soon as she walked in the room she asked me if I needed a hug and I just started crying! When was the last time someone saw Me struggle and asked if I needed a hug??? Of course I said no, because I still can't really accept help or comfort, it makes me uncomfortable.
However, we talked and I was prescribed medication.
The next few weeks were rough, for everyone. But I had warned Matt prior to me starting them that I might go crazy and to be understanding.
Weeks passed and things leveled out, and for the first time in a really long time I was on the floor playing with my kids. When I saw my therapist she said she could see such a drastic change.  My sex drive also jumped out of this world as a result, so yay to that side effect!!

It really makes me extremely sad that I didn't do this sooner. It maybe could have changed the course my relationship with Matt took.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache. It could have maybe kept me out of this dark place I'm still fighting to get out of.. who knows.
I just wish I sought out help a long time ago.
I wish I hadn't let the stigma of mental health, of depression alter what I should have been doing.
I admit its still hard for me to accept that I have depression. That people, although ignorantly, will still view me as weak or a failure really bothers me. But at least I'm here for my girls. At least I'm present for the relationship I'm in with Matt. At least even on my bad days I can get to a place where I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have really bad days, weeks even. I still struggle. I know I probably need to up my medication a bit. It's a work in progress.
It's still hard for me to open up about problems, its so easy for me to internalize everything because I don't want to burden anyone.  But it also doesn't help that I don't really have a good support system in place. I'm hoping that will also come with time, and acceptance.

It's hard to admit that I'm crazy. But really now, who hasn't known this for years? Most people are just afraid to say it.

There is a blog I read, a lot. This lady has looked depression in the face and felt its breath on her neck and she's still here, she's writing about it and putting a face to this invisible disease. She wrote something at the end of one of her posts that I want to share here:
If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren't the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family.


I think its the last line that always makes me cry. No, its definitely the last line that makes me cry. Because sometimes in the middle of my painful sadness when I feel I have no reason to hang on, I just hang onto my family.
(Side-note: Matt, maybe that's the reason its been so hard.)










"Hopeless, helpless and unable to function. A mind shutting down and taking the body with it. A pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off."

Better run, better run, out run my gun.

Nothing

My head has gone to a place I don't want it to be.

I feel so alone. And I feel like if my kids were not the lifesaving anchor keeping me from being swept out to sea then I'd have nothing.

Its the worst feeling.

Any one who has known me long enough, knows I hate admitting there is a problem that I can't handle myself. Or a problem in general. I've always been really strong.
But this is kicking my ass, and its stupid but it makes me feel worse SAYING there is a problem, being weak.

I've kept my head above water while treading here endlessly, and I havn't given up. And I don't plan on it.

I guess I'll just keep drifting until I see land.

Big Steps.

I can not believe that Emma is starting Kindergarten on Monday.
I'm not really ready for this.

I mean, yeah she did preschool last year but it was only 3 days a week. AND i drove her and picked her up.
But she is taking the bus! I'm already a nervous wreck!

She is so excited though! And I'm happy for that. I hope she keeps up her love for school for a long time. And I'm thankful I have at least one kid who completely depends on me, well at least for a few more years.

Emma is only going for a half days,but its hard to let her go, and realize that my little baby is growing up, a lot faster then I'm ready for.


However, while Emma is in school it will give me time to work out while Sophia naps. So thats good. I've lost 12lbs, strictly by dieting. And by dieting I mean Eating less and eating better.
 So working out will be great.. I wanna be less Jello like. and also 30 lbs lighter.

Only rainbows after rain

Have you ever unexpectedly had a  moment where your heart was monumentally changed forever?

It's a pain that I can't even describe. It's a pain that I'm not sure how it could possibly ever end. It's a pain that stings straight down to my core.

It makes me feel worthless, and broken.

I wake up everyday and I put a smile on my face for the girls. I try to ignore it. but Everything reminds me that my heart is broken.

Is it beyond repair?

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to make it through this and be a better person for it. But I'm not sure I can truly believe that right now.

Never in my dreams did I ever think I would be experiencing this.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I just wanna be ok

On the Bright side

Cupcake debacle

We got Emma a cupcake a few weeks ago, I don't remember the occasion. Maybe because she was extra good that day, or maybe just because that cupcake was SO CUTE!! It was Bright Pink with a beach theme and 2 star fish on top with a beach umbrella.

Anywho Emma enjoyed the heck out of this cupcake. but of course didn't finish all of it, because well there was a lot to this cupcake. Probably close to 20 lbs of bright pink frosting. So in the trash the cupcake carcass went.


About 10 minutes later we find this.

Okay so really what we found was a bit worse then that, because it was all over her, her clothes and the floor.

My monster is a dumpster diver, I should have known better.

I don't photo well.

I have many many photos of the girls, and the girls with Matt. They come out fantastic.

The girls and I however never seem to photo well... at all.

I think I have seen only a handfull of pictures of me and one or both of the girls that is not laughable.

I tried to get a good photo the day Emma graduated from Preschool.

This is what I got.....

 

My face looks huge, my Bra is hanging out (thanks Em), Emma looking incredible bored, and Sophia looking off at cookies or something....

Dumb mommy thoughts.

So as much as I love my two girls and I cant actaually function without them.
In fact I wont even go to the store unless one or both of them go with me. Its weird to be walking around without my kids... who do I talk to other then myself??
I have gone a few times, and I still squeeze past people and say "excuse us".... and realize there is no us, just me. and this Me looks like a crazy person..

However with all my ability to handle with great ease my two crazy girls, and i do mean crazy. I still have a ridiculous fear bringing them to places such as the EcoTarium, or Aquarium, or anyone ium you can think of by myself, without backup, or another set of eyes, and ears for the matter because Emma likes to talk mine right off.
I'm scared I will lose one of them in a crowd, or the littlest monster will take off in the opposite direction. and lord knows shes impossible fast with those short little legs. Or Emma will want to do something Sophia can't and then I have to stay back with Sophia while Emma is alone. No good.

In a familiar or fenced in area I'm able to manage both my girls with ease, but I start to freak out that i'm going to fail at my mommy duty  at one of said ium places...

So instead of going and trying, I don't go and we all suffer for it.
That's super lame. 

And as i write this I realize how stupid it is.





* I should note while writing this, Sophia took a face dive over the arm of our living room chair and rolled onto her head. she is insane.

I'm not hard on myself. No, Not at all.

I have a really hard time being happy with myself.

I always feel that I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough mom, student, sister, friend. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough... you get the idea
I have a hard time accepting that people might genuinely like me, or accept me for me and not have some kind of hidden agenda.
I dont often see any good qualities in myself.

So recently I decided I should try to change the things I don't like, that I have control over.
But damn it's hard.

I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm definitely an emotional eater, and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm happy... okay so I basically eat every second of everyday.
And I do really well for like 6 days and on day 7 I sorta fall off the wagon, but I go to bed saying I'll do better tomorrow. and then I don't and then 4 days later I'm still trying to get back on that wagon. I suck.

I don't know why I struggle so much.

Lets hope I can start over tomorrow. Try number 405,230,650

Why you gotta be so mean.