What is there left to say when you feel like you've already said all you could.
What is there left to say when you feel like no one is listening.
What is there left to do when you feel like you've run out of options.
I feel like I'm constantly hitting a brick a wall.
I feel like I am constantly fighting an up hill battle.
I feel like there is just to many demons to fight alone.
I feel like I can't truly trust anyone.
I feel all alone.
I wish I could move far far away, change my name and disappear.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
It's been a while... so heres a post.
I've always had a very hard time doing or saying anything that could make me be perceived as weak or a failure.
And that's driven me for a long time.
Only weak people can't handle emotions.
Only weak people cry.
Only people who are weak take medication or go to therapy.
You're a failure if you admit you need help.
You're a failure if you can't do everything yourself.
These are some of the things that I've always told myself, I've always felt.
It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, it still takes some for me to admit that I always will. It's hard for me to change this state of mind that I've Lived so long with.
But thank god for my kids. They alone are the reason I looked for help.
Even tho the majority of my brain tells me that no one needs me, everyone would be better off, or at least unaffected with out me. A very small, incredibly smart part of my brain told me to stop being stupid, that my girls will always need me. And if I want to be around, physically, mentally and emotionally then I need to do something.
So I started seeing a counselor. And though it helped, it wasn't enough, so I did what I never wanted to do. I called my doctors office and I told the secretary I needed to see the doctor, when she asked what for. I said out loud for the first time, depression. And she didn't start laughing, she didn't say "are you serious? Fucking suck it up." And booked me an appointment for that day.
When I went in to see the doctor, as soon as she walked in the room she asked me if I needed a hug and I just started crying! When was the last time someone saw Me struggle and asked if I needed a hug??? Of course I said no, because I still can't really accept help or comfort, it makes me uncomfortable.
However, we talked and I was prescribed medication.
The next few weeks were rough, for everyone. But I had warned Matt prior to me starting them that I might go crazy and to be understanding.
Weeks passed and things leveled out, and for the first time in a really long time I was on the floor playing with my kids. When I saw my therapist she said she could see such a drastic change. My sex drive also jumped out of this world as a result, so yay to that side effect!!
It really makes me extremely sad that I didn't do this sooner. It maybe could have changed the course my relationship with Matt took. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. It could have maybe kept me out of this dark place I'm still fighting to get out of.. who knows.
I just wish I sought out help a long time ago.
I wish I hadn't let the stigma of mental health, of depression alter what I should have been doing.
I admit its still hard for me to accept that I have depression. That people, although ignorantly, will still view me as weak or a failure really bothers me. But at least I'm here for my girls. At least I'm present for the relationship I'm in with Matt. At least even on my bad days I can get to a place where I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I still have really bad days, weeks even. I still struggle. I know I probably need to up my medication a bit. It's a work in progress.
It's still hard for me to open up about problems, its so easy for me to internalize everything because I don't want to burden anyone. But it also doesn't help that I don't really have a good support system in place. I'm hoping that will also come with time, and acceptance.
It's hard to admit that I'm crazy. But really now, who hasn't known this for years? Most people are just afraid to say it.
There is a blog I read, a lot. This lady has looked depression in the face and felt its breath on her neck and she's still here, she's writing about it and putting a face to this invisible disease. She wrote something at the end of one of her posts that I want to share here:
If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren't the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family.
I think its the last line that always makes me cry. No, its definitely the last line that makes me cry. Because sometimes in the middle of my painful sadness when I feel I have no reason to hang on, I just hang onto my family.
(Side-note: Matt, maybe that's the reason its been so hard.)
"Hopeless, helpless and unable to function. A mind shutting down and taking the body with it. A pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off."
And that's driven me for a long time.
Only weak people can't handle emotions.
Only weak people cry.
Only people who are weak take medication or go to therapy.
You're a failure if you admit you need help.
You're a failure if you can't do everything yourself.
These are some of the things that I've always told myself, I've always felt.
It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, it still takes some for me to admit that I always will. It's hard for me to change this state of mind that I've Lived so long with.
But thank god for my kids. They alone are the reason I looked for help.
Even tho the majority of my brain tells me that no one needs me, everyone would be better off, or at least unaffected with out me. A very small, incredibly smart part of my brain told me to stop being stupid, that my girls will always need me. And if I want to be around, physically, mentally and emotionally then I need to do something.
So I started seeing a counselor. And though it helped, it wasn't enough, so I did what I never wanted to do. I called my doctors office and I told the secretary I needed to see the doctor, when she asked what for. I said out loud for the first time, depression. And she didn't start laughing, she didn't say "are you serious? Fucking suck it up." And booked me an appointment for that day.
When I went in to see the doctor, as soon as she walked in the room she asked me if I needed a hug and I just started crying! When was the last time someone saw Me struggle and asked if I needed a hug??? Of course I said no, because I still can't really accept help or comfort, it makes me uncomfortable.
However, we talked and I was prescribed medication.
The next few weeks were rough, for everyone. But I had warned Matt prior to me starting them that I might go crazy and to be understanding.
Weeks passed and things leveled out, and for the first time in a really long time I was on the floor playing with my kids. When I saw my therapist she said she could see such a drastic change. My sex drive also jumped out of this world as a result, so yay to that side effect!!
It really makes me extremely sad that I didn't do this sooner. It maybe could have changed the course my relationship with Matt took. It could have saved me a lot of heartache. It could have maybe kept me out of this dark place I'm still fighting to get out of.. who knows.
I just wish I sought out help a long time ago.
I wish I hadn't let the stigma of mental health, of depression alter what I should have been doing.
I admit its still hard for me to accept that I have depression. That people, although ignorantly, will still view me as weak or a failure really bothers me. But at least I'm here for my girls. At least I'm present for the relationship I'm in with Matt. At least even on my bad days I can get to a place where I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I still have really bad days, weeks even. I still struggle. I know I probably need to up my medication a bit. It's a work in progress.
It's still hard for me to open up about problems, its so easy for me to internalize everything because I don't want to burden anyone. But it also doesn't help that I don't really have a good support system in place. I'm hoping that will also come with time, and acceptance.
It's hard to admit that I'm crazy. But really now, who hasn't known this for years? Most people are just afraid to say it.
There is a blog I read, a lot. This lady has looked depression in the face and felt its breath on her neck and she's still here, she's writing about it and putting a face to this invisible disease. She wrote something at the end of one of her posts that I want to share here:
If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren't the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family.
I think its the last line that always makes me cry. No, its definitely the last line that makes me cry. Because sometimes in the middle of my painful sadness when I feel I have no reason to hang on, I just hang onto my family.
(Side-note: Matt, maybe that's the reason its been so hard.)
"Hopeless, helpless and unable to function. A mind shutting down and taking the body with it. A pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Nothing
My head has gone to a place I don't want it to be.
I feel so alone. And I feel like if my kids were not the lifesaving anchor keeping me from being swept out to sea then I'd have nothing.
Its the worst feeling.
Any one who has known me long enough, knows I hate admitting there is a problem that I can't handle myself. Or a problem in general. I've always been really strong.
But this is kicking my ass, and its stupid but it makes me feel worse SAYING there is a problem, being weak.
I've kept my head above water while treading here endlessly, and I havn't given up. And I don't plan on it.
I guess I'll just keep drifting until I see land.
I feel so alone. And I feel like if my kids were not the lifesaving anchor keeping me from being swept out to sea then I'd have nothing.
Its the worst feeling.
Any one who has known me long enough, knows I hate admitting there is a problem that I can't handle myself. Or a problem in general. I've always been really strong.
But this is kicking my ass, and its stupid but it makes me feel worse SAYING there is a problem, being weak.
I've kept my head above water while treading here endlessly, and I havn't given up. And I don't plan on it.
I guess I'll just keep drifting until I see land.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Big Steps.
I can not believe that Emma is starting Kindergarten on Monday.
I'm not really ready for this.
I mean, yeah she did preschool last year but it was only 3 days a week. AND i drove her and picked her up.
But she is taking the bus! I'm already a nervous wreck!
She is so excited though! And I'm happy for that. I hope she keeps up her love for school for a long time. And I'm thankful I have at least one kid who completely depends on me, well at least for a few more years.
Emma is only going for a half days,but its hard to let her go, and realize that my little baby is growing up, a lot faster then I'm ready for.
However, while Emma is in school it will give me time to work out while Sophia naps. So thats good. I've lost 12lbs, strictly by dieting. And by dieting I mean Eating less and eating better.
So working out will be great.. I wanna be less Jello like. and also 30 lbs lighter.
I'm not really ready for this.
I mean, yeah she did preschool last year but it was only 3 days a week. AND i drove her and picked her up.
But she is taking the bus! I'm already a nervous wreck!
She is so excited though! And I'm happy for that. I hope she keeps up her love for school for a long time. And I'm thankful I have at least one kid who completely depends on me, well at least for a few more years.
Emma is only going for a half days,but its hard to let her go, and realize that my little baby is growing up, a lot faster then I'm ready for.
However, while Emma is in school it will give me time to work out while Sophia naps. So thats good. I've lost 12lbs, strictly by dieting. And by dieting I mean Eating less and eating better.
So working out will be great.. I wanna be less Jello like. and also 30 lbs lighter.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Only rainbows after rain
Have you ever unexpectedly had a moment where your heart was monumentally changed forever?
It's a pain that I can't even describe. It's a pain that I'm not sure how it could possibly ever end. It's a pain that stings straight down to my core.
It makes me feel worthless, and broken.
I wake up everyday and I put a smile on my face for the girls. I try to ignore it. but Everything reminds me that my heart is broken.
Is it beyond repair?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to make it through this and be a better person for it. But I'm not sure I can truly believe that right now.
Never in my dreams did I ever think I would be experiencing this.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
It's a pain that I can't even describe. It's a pain that I'm not sure how it could possibly ever end. It's a pain that stings straight down to my core.
It makes me feel worthless, and broken.
I wake up everyday and I put a smile on my face for the girls. I try to ignore it. but Everything reminds me that my heart is broken.
Is it beyond repair?
I keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to make it through this and be a better person for it. But I'm not sure I can truly believe that right now.
Never in my dreams did I ever think I would be experiencing this.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Cupcake debacle
We got Emma a cupcake a few weeks ago, I don't remember the occasion. Maybe because she was extra good that day, or maybe just because that cupcake was SO CUTE!! It was Bright Pink with a beach theme and 2 star fish on top with a beach umbrella.
Anywho Emma enjoyed the heck out of this cupcake. but of course didn't finish all of it, because well there was a lot to this cupcake. Probably close to 20 lbs of bright pink frosting. So in the trash the cupcake carcass went.
About 10 minutes later we find this.
Okay so really what we found was a bit worse then that, because it was all over her, her clothes and the floor.
My monster is a dumpster diver, I should have known better.
Anywho Emma enjoyed the heck out of this cupcake. but of course didn't finish all of it, because well there was a lot to this cupcake. Probably close to 20 lbs of bright pink frosting. So in the trash the cupcake carcass went.
About 10 minutes later we find this.
Okay so really what we found was a bit worse then that, because it was all over her, her clothes and the floor.
My monster is a dumpster diver, I should have known better.
I don't photo well.
I have many many photos of the girls, and the girls with Matt. They come out fantastic.
The girls and I however never seem to photo well... at all.
I think I have seen only a handfull of pictures of me and one or both of the girls that is not laughable.
I tried to get a good photo the day Emma graduated from Preschool.
This is what I got.....
The girls and I however never seem to photo well... at all.
I think I have seen only a handfull of pictures of me and one or both of the girls that is not laughable.
I tried to get a good photo the day Emma graduated from Preschool.
This is what I got.....
My face looks huge, my Bra is hanging out (thanks Em), Emma looking incredible bored, and Sophia looking off at cookies or something....
Dumb mommy thoughts.
So as much as I love my two girls and I cant actaually function without them.
In fact I wont even go to the store unless one or both of them go with me. Its weird to be walking around without my kids... who do I talk to other then myself??
I have gone a few times, and I still squeeze past people and say "excuse us".... and realize there is no us, just me. and this Me looks like a crazy person..
However with all my ability to handle with great ease my two crazy girls, and i do mean crazy. I still have a ridiculous fear bringing them to places such as the EcoTarium, or Aquarium, or anyone ium you can think of by myself, without backup, or another set of eyes, and ears for the matter because Emma likes to talk mine right off.
I'm scared I will lose one of them in a crowd, or the littlest monster will take off in the opposite direction. and lord knows shes impossible fast with those short little legs. Or Emma will want to do something Sophia can't and then I have to stay back with Sophia while Emma is alone. No good.
In a familiar or fenced in area I'm able to manage both my girls with ease, but I start to freak out that i'm going to fail at my mommy duty at one of said ium places...
So instead of going and trying, I don't go and we all suffer for it.
That's super lame.
And as i write this I realize how stupid it is.
* I should note while writing this, Sophia took a face dive over the arm of our living room chair and rolled onto her head. she is insane.
In fact I wont even go to the store unless one or both of them go with me. Its weird to be walking around without my kids... who do I talk to other then myself??
I have gone a few times, and I still squeeze past people and say "excuse us".... and realize there is no us, just me. and this Me looks like a crazy person..
However with all my ability to handle with great ease my two crazy girls, and i do mean crazy. I still have a ridiculous fear bringing them to places such as the EcoTarium, or Aquarium, or anyone ium you can think of by myself, without backup, or another set of eyes, and ears for the matter because Emma likes to talk mine right off.
I'm scared I will lose one of them in a crowd, or the littlest monster will take off in the opposite direction. and lord knows shes impossible fast with those short little legs. Or Emma will want to do something Sophia can't and then I have to stay back with Sophia while Emma is alone. No good.
In a familiar or fenced in area I'm able to manage both my girls with ease, but I start to freak out that i'm going to fail at my mommy duty at one of said ium places...
So instead of going and trying, I don't go and we all suffer for it.
That's super lame.
And as i write this I realize how stupid it is.
* I should note while writing this, Sophia took a face dive over the arm of our living room chair and rolled onto her head. she is insane.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I'm not hard on myself. No, Not at all.
I have a really hard time being happy with myself.
I always feel that I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough mom, student, sister, friend. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough... you get the idea
I have a hard time accepting that people might genuinely like me, or accept me for me and not have some kind of hidden agenda.
I dont often see any good qualities in myself.
So recently I decided I should try to change the things I don't like, that I have control over.
But damn it's hard.
I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm definitely an emotional eater, and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm happy... okay so I basically eat every second of everyday.
And I do really well for like 6 days and on day 7 I sorta fall off the wagon, but I go to bed saying I'll do better tomorrow. and then I don't and then 4 days later I'm still trying to get back on that wagon. I suck.
I don't know why I struggle so much.
Lets hope I can start over tomorrow. Try number 405,230,650
I always feel that I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough mom, student, sister, friend. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough... you get the idea
I have a hard time accepting that people might genuinely like me, or accept me for me and not have some kind of hidden agenda.
I dont often see any good qualities in myself.
So recently I decided I should try to change the things I don't like, that I have control over.
But damn it's hard.
I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm definitely an emotional eater, and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm happy... okay so I basically eat every second of everyday.
And I do really well for like 6 days and on day 7 I sorta fall off the wagon, but I go to bed saying I'll do better tomorrow. and then I don't and then 4 days later I'm still trying to get back on that wagon. I suck.
I don't know why I struggle so much.
Lets hope I can start over tomorrow. Try number 405,230,650
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The mysterious ninja baby.
Sophia now does not like to stay in bed. She climbs her little self down with pacifier and a blanket or two in tow and walks out to where ever I am. Sometimes She makes it known she is coming, other times she just ninjas her way to my side.
Last night I woke up at about 3am to Sophia sitting up in bed, surrounded by wet. So I put my hand down to her diaper to see if it was her diaper that leaked, however my hand was met by a naked baby butt!! She had straight up pee'd all over my bed!
I cleaned up, put a new diaper on her, but I couldn't find the missing one anywhere. It vanishes. I started to wonder if I had even put on her to to begin with.
This morning I search everywhere in my room. even places that wouldn't make sense. But I couldn't find it so I gave up.
But thats not the end of the story, nope.
I did my usual route through the house opening windows and shades. Next to the couch I find an open diaper...
I'm simply baffled! How could she have ninja'd out of the bed without me knowing, take a trip to the living room, disrobe and wonder back to my room and climb back up on the bed?? its not possible!!!
If i figure this mystery out I will be sure to update.
Last night I woke up at about 3am to Sophia sitting up in bed, surrounded by wet. So I put my hand down to her diaper to see if it was her diaper that leaked, however my hand was met by a naked baby butt!! She had straight up pee'd all over my bed!
I cleaned up, put a new diaper on her, but I couldn't find the missing one anywhere. It vanishes. I started to wonder if I had even put on her to to begin with.
This morning I search everywhere in my room. even places that wouldn't make sense. But I couldn't find it so I gave up.
But thats not the end of the story, nope.
I did my usual route through the house opening windows and shades. Next to the couch I find an open diaper...
I'm simply baffled! How could she have ninja'd out of the bed without me knowing, take a trip to the living room, disrobe and wonder back to my room and climb back up on the bed?? its not possible!!!
If i figure this mystery out I will be sure to update.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Beauty is pain.
So it's summer, and summer means shorts... or in my case, just shorter pants. I will not be seen in a pair or shorts thank you very much. That means I need to actually shave my beastly legs and keep things under control. I remember in High School I could shave my legs on a Monday and not need to shave them agian until the following monday... Thank you very much having children which changed everything about my body.
Now, I'm like Santa clause. I shave my legs, and by the time I'm done rinsing them off I have a tropical rain Forrest that needs to be chopped down. (* This may or may not be an exaggeration for better reading)
So I decided to use Nair, which incase your unfamiliar, basically burns the hair off after you apply some awful smelling lotion, but a lot less work for me and seems to last a bit longer then just chopping the hair down.
Only this time I thought I was killing two birds with one stone and by doing my underarms I would be saving time and money by cutting my shower time down.
I applied the nair to my pits first. and all was well.
Then I started applying to my legs and my pits started to burn, but I thought its just because the skin wasnt used to it but all would be fine and I had to finish my legs and let them marinate for 3 minutes before jumping in the shower.
By the time those 3 minutes were up, my arm pits were on FIRE, Actaully I should be truthful. Only one was on fire. Clearly I have a pit that is strong as nails and on that wants to go crying to its mommy at the first sign of battle. Wimp.
I shower and wash all the hell fire off my underarms and even the water is hurting the pansy pit.
I thought if I let it sleep it sleep it off it might grow some balls or man up.
No luck.
This morning it still hurts. I'm scared to put deoderant on.
But how's am I supposed to teach it that Beauty is Pain!?!
Now, I'm like Santa clause. I shave my legs, and by the time I'm done rinsing them off I have a tropical rain Forrest that needs to be chopped down. (* This may or may not be an exaggeration for better reading)
So I decided to use Nair, which incase your unfamiliar, basically burns the hair off after you apply some awful smelling lotion, but a lot less work for me and seems to last a bit longer then just chopping the hair down.
Only this time I thought I was killing two birds with one stone and by doing my underarms I would be saving time and money by cutting my shower time down.
I applied the nair to my pits first. and all was well.
Then I started applying to my legs and my pits started to burn, but I thought its just because the skin wasnt used to it but all would be fine and I had to finish my legs and let them marinate for 3 minutes before jumping in the shower.
By the time those 3 minutes were up, my arm pits were on FIRE, Actaully I should be truthful. Only one was on fire. Clearly I have a pit that is strong as nails and on that wants to go crying to its mommy at the first sign of battle. Wimp.
I shower and wash all the hell fire off my underarms and even the water is hurting the pansy pit.
I thought if I let it sleep it sleep it off it might grow some balls or man up.
No luck.
This morning it still hurts. I'm scared to put deoderant on.
But how's am I supposed to teach it that Beauty is Pain!?!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A new journal.
Right when I think things can't get anymore confusing they do.
My heart has been in my stomach for days. Well weeks probably. I thought I had things figured out. I thought I was going to move on. But I can't seem to let go.
Life isn't black and white.
I like Black and white. right and wrong. Yes or no. Clean cut. Easy.
However, my life has been anything but easy. Its not even easy to explain.
I was told to sit down and write things out. I thought about blogging about it, but I just can't get myself to share it all, so I started a journal. Last night I wrote over 30 pages. I went to bed, woke up a few hours later and wrote some more.
I'm sure it doesn't make much sense. It's skips around a lot, in between years in fact. But at least I'm getting some of it out. And though it doesn't have a nice flow or look pretty. Its there. I'm going to keep writing in it until Ive run out of pages. (Which seems like that will be soon by this rate)
I'm not sure the point of it, i'm not sure if it will help me or not. But i'm giving it a shot.
Its hard to keep all my thoughts straight. or something to even be honest with myself about some things.
My heart has been in my stomach for days. Well weeks probably. I thought I had things figured out. I thought I was going to move on. But I can't seem to let go.
Life isn't black and white.
I like Black and white. right and wrong. Yes or no. Clean cut. Easy.
However, my life has been anything but easy. Its not even easy to explain.
I was told to sit down and write things out. I thought about blogging about it, but I just can't get myself to share it all, so I started a journal. Last night I wrote over 30 pages. I went to bed, woke up a few hours later and wrote some more.
I'm sure it doesn't make much sense. It's skips around a lot, in between years in fact. But at least I'm getting some of it out. And though it doesn't have a nice flow or look pretty. Its there. I'm going to keep writing in it until Ive run out of pages. (Which seems like that will be soon by this rate)
I'm not sure the point of it, i'm not sure if it will help me or not. But i'm giving it a shot.
Its hard to keep all my thoughts straight. or something to even be honest with myself about some things.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Scary moment
Shortly after Emmas 5th birthday party I got sick. The docs thought it was tonsillitis but after a week of antibiotics and no improvement at all and constant fevers they thought it might be Mono, but the test takes a few days to get the results from. And while waiting for those results Emma started to complain that she was not feeling well. Everyone assumed she was getting whatever I had. And if it WAS Mono then she most definitely would have had it because she steals my drinks we share drinks all the time.
But on Monday the 23rd she had a fever of 103.3 and complaining of belly pain, which concerned me greatly because mono can cause your liver to enlarge. So we called her Doc who told us to go to the ER. I called Matt who was out for a friends birthday to come here and watch Sophia so I could take Emma. Everyone yelled at me for wanting to take Emma. I was told to let Matt, or my dad to take her because I was still so sick. But there was NO WAY anyone was going to take her but me, because if my baby is sick I'm going to be there.
We get to the ER and Emma gets checked in right away, her fever was down to 98.6, and she was in good spirits. Really Emma?? REALLY!?!
The doc came in the room and pushed on her belly asked her a few questions which she wouldn't really answer. No imaging no blood work no urine test. Nothing. But they did have her jump at one point and she did that just fine.
I did try to explain that she doesn't show other people when something hurts. When she needs shots or blood work, she won't cry. she just doesn't. But I assume Doc's know best and if they arn't worried then I won't worry, its just a virus.
A whole week passed and Emma was not improving. Neither was I though. I got put on her Antibiotics and since it was assumed Emma had whatever I had, I made them put her on antibiotics just in case as well. After that the mono test came back negative. But that's okay because by Thursday I was starting to feel better.
Thursday night though Emma was really complaining of belly pain, which she has been doing all week. I knew she had her physical in the morning so Matt and I decided she could wait. Though I really didnt feel like we should. But on Monday I also thought she needed to go to the ER and it was 4 hours just to be sent home. I didn't want my crazy mommy mind and worry to put everyone through that again because I knew Matt had to work early and Sophia doesn't really sleep unless I'm home. So we decided to wait.
First thing in the morning. I had to wake Emma up, and that's not normal, and she looked awful.just aweful, I knew something was really wrong.
We got in to the docs and waiting what seemed like forever which also isn't normal, we are usually right in and right out. But this time not so much. After her exam I asked it was appendicitis and he said it seems like it could be and to bring her to the ER right away. As he was talking I was already packing us up. I called my dad on the way to the car and told him to go to the ER and that I needed him to get Sophia and watch her for the day. Thankfully My dad is the best and rushed to meet us there. I called Matt next and he told me to keep him updated. I told him not to leave work yet because I didn't want him to leave for nothing. I walked in the Er and they took us immediately back to a room. And wouldn't you know it was the same Doc we had on Monday when we went. and wouldn't you know he remembered us.
I was in such a rare form that I didn't give him attitude or let him know that because of him we were in this position.
Everything litterally went so fast as soon as we walked in. I think we got there at 11:15.
by 11:30 my dad came to get Sophia. IV was in by 1140. At that point I told Matt to get out of work. 11:50 the surgical team came in to evaluate her. There were SO MANY doctors in and out of her room in such a short time and once they would leave they would hover outside her room. Had her on Morphine by noon. 1210 we went for an ultrasound to confirm it was appendicitis and check to see if it had ruptured.
The Head surgeon thought it was highly possible that it ruptured because she had it for so long. Thanfully It did not.
We got taken up to the pre-op room with Emma, did more intake stuff. and by 2 she was being wheeled away. ( Matt got there sometime after the ultrasound but before going up stairs)
It was SO HARD not to cry. The whole time though, through all the poking and doctors coming in and out Emma just laid there watching cartoons. She was pretty unfazed by everything. She just wanted to know if she was going to be sleeping there and if she was going to get to order hospital food, because that was SO EXCITING!!
They said it would be a 1-2 hour surgery and once the second hour came and went I started to freak out a bit. And I couldn't believe or wrap my head around the fact that my little 5 year old was in another room having SURGERY!
Right before the third hour the surgeon came out to tell us she is fine but it was difficult for them to get the appendix out.
I wasnt able to go see her for about 40 minutes after that. As soon as I went back and saw her though I was okay.
She looked so little and so white. I wanted to crawl into bed with her and snuggle her.
As soon as she woke up a little and saw me she asked if she could have food and then went back to sleep. haha
I lost track of time after that but we got up to her room and Matt left to go get sophia and go home. I stayed overnight with Emma.
by midnight the same night, Emma got up and walked to the bathroom. She did need help obviously, but Wow! I wouldn't have been able to do that. Nor would I have wanted to. I did carry her back to bed. The next morning she was lethargic and sleepy. I told the docs she needed more then liquids so they let her get a grilled cheese for lunch and after that she brightened up. Started talking. She asked to move from her bed to the chair. Then went back to her bed sat on the side and blew bubbles, colored in her coloring book. and by 4pm that night we went home.
Emma is simply amazing. So brave. So strong.
Her 3 incisions on her tummy are healed. We go to her follow up appt with the head surgeon on Tuesday, but I only expect them to tell her how great she did and how well she healed.
I'm pretty sure this was much scarier for me then her, and I had such a hard time dealing with this when she was just concerned with the food they were going to give her. But that's me Emma for ya.
But on Monday the 23rd she had a fever of 103.3 and complaining of belly pain, which concerned me greatly because mono can cause your liver to enlarge. So we called her Doc who told us to go to the ER. I called Matt who was out for a friends birthday to come here and watch Sophia so I could take Emma. Everyone yelled at me for wanting to take Emma. I was told to let Matt, or my dad to take her because I was still so sick. But there was NO WAY anyone was going to take her but me, because if my baby is sick I'm going to be there.
We get to the ER and Emma gets checked in right away, her fever was down to 98.6, and she was in good spirits. Really Emma?? REALLY!?!
The doc came in the room and pushed on her belly asked her a few questions which she wouldn't really answer. No imaging no blood work no urine test. Nothing. But they did have her jump at one point and she did that just fine.
I did try to explain that she doesn't show other people when something hurts. When she needs shots or blood work, she won't cry. she just doesn't. But I assume Doc's know best and if they arn't worried then I won't worry, its just a virus.
A whole week passed and Emma was not improving. Neither was I though. I got put on her Antibiotics and since it was assumed Emma had whatever I had, I made them put her on antibiotics just in case as well. After that the mono test came back negative. But that's okay because by Thursday I was starting to feel better.
Thursday night though Emma was really complaining of belly pain, which she has been doing all week. I knew she had her physical in the morning so Matt and I decided she could wait. Though I really didnt feel like we should. But on Monday I also thought she needed to go to the ER and it was 4 hours just to be sent home. I didn't want my crazy mommy mind and worry to put everyone through that again because I knew Matt had to work early and Sophia doesn't really sleep unless I'm home. So we decided to wait.
First thing in the morning. I had to wake Emma up, and that's not normal, and she looked awful.just aweful, I knew something was really wrong.
We got in to the docs and waiting what seemed like forever which also isn't normal, we are usually right in and right out. But this time not so much. After her exam I asked it was appendicitis and he said it seems like it could be and to bring her to the ER right away. As he was talking I was already packing us up. I called my dad on the way to the car and told him to go to the ER and that I needed him to get Sophia and watch her for the day. Thankfully My dad is the best and rushed to meet us there. I called Matt next and he told me to keep him updated. I told him not to leave work yet because I didn't want him to leave for nothing. I walked in the Er and they took us immediately back to a room. And wouldn't you know it was the same Doc we had on Monday when we went. and wouldn't you know he remembered us.
I was in such a rare form that I didn't give him attitude or let him know that because of him we were in this position.
Everything litterally went so fast as soon as we walked in. I think we got there at 11:15.
by 11:30 my dad came to get Sophia. IV was in by 1140. At that point I told Matt to get out of work. 11:50 the surgical team came in to evaluate her. There were SO MANY doctors in and out of her room in such a short time and once they would leave they would hover outside her room. Had her on Morphine by noon. 1210 we went for an ultrasound to confirm it was appendicitis and check to see if it had ruptured.
The Head surgeon thought it was highly possible that it ruptured because she had it for so long. Thanfully It did not.
We got taken up to the pre-op room with Emma, did more intake stuff. and by 2 she was being wheeled away. ( Matt got there sometime after the ultrasound but before going up stairs)
It was SO HARD not to cry. The whole time though, through all the poking and doctors coming in and out Emma just laid there watching cartoons. She was pretty unfazed by everything. She just wanted to know if she was going to be sleeping there and if she was going to get to order hospital food, because that was SO EXCITING!!
They said it would be a 1-2 hour surgery and once the second hour came and went I started to freak out a bit. And I couldn't believe or wrap my head around the fact that my little 5 year old was in another room having SURGERY!
Right before the third hour the surgeon came out to tell us she is fine but it was difficult for them to get the appendix out.
I wasnt able to go see her for about 40 minutes after that. As soon as I went back and saw her though I was okay.
She looked so little and so white. I wanted to crawl into bed with her and snuggle her.
As soon as she woke up a little and saw me she asked if she could have food and then went back to sleep. haha
I lost track of time after that but we got up to her room and Matt left to go get sophia and go home. I stayed overnight with Emma.
by midnight the same night, Emma got up and walked to the bathroom. She did need help obviously, but Wow! I wouldn't have been able to do that. Nor would I have wanted to. I did carry her back to bed. The next morning she was lethargic and sleepy. I told the docs she needed more then liquids so they let her get a grilled cheese for lunch and after that she brightened up. Started talking. She asked to move from her bed to the chair. Then went back to her bed sat on the side and blew bubbles, colored in her coloring book. and by 4pm that night we went home.
Emma is simply amazing. So brave. So strong.
Her 3 incisions on her tummy are healed. We go to her follow up appt with the head surgeon on Tuesday, but I only expect them to tell her how great she did and how well she healed.
I'm pretty sure this was much scarier for me then her, and I had such a hard time dealing with this when she was just concerned with the food they were going to give her. But that's me Emma for ya.
Sophia Jane
Alright. This one was hard for me. Although I think first birthdays always are.
There was a lot of drama for Emmas first birthday, and this year felt like a repeat for Sophia. So on top of feeling sad that my baby isn't a baby anymore. I had to deal with that, and know that both my girls even though they would never remember had awful events surrounding their first birthday.
That aside, we celebrated as a family. Ihop for a late breakfast Which Sophia loved because it was the first time she had eggs! I didn't have my camera so I didn't get any pictures which is unfortunate. While we were there just about everyone who walked by our table stopped to tell the girls just how beautiful and wonderful they were. And we could hear people at tables close by talking about the girls. It made my heart swell. okay okay maybe I let it go to my head just a bit, I mean they are MY kids and obviously get their great looks and charm from ME.
After a short Nap at home for So-so we went off to Westford to the butterfly place. Which to be honest, not worth the 31$. It was cool though. As soon as we got in there Emma sorta freaked out, because as cute as butterflies are from a distance. NOT so cute when they are all up in your grill.
One almost immediately landed on Sophias belly. I wasn't able to snap a photo because I was busy trying to save the butterfly from an untimely crushing, pulling, de-winging death. Other then that, Sophia didnt give a crap there there were a bajillion flying colorful creatures swirling around her. She wanted to try to destroy leaves and flowers and run into other kids knocking them down. Did I mention my child is a monster?
We went out to dinner and then back home to let a very sleepy 1 year old relax after a day that was very busy for her short little legs.
Her Party has not happened yet, but I am very excited about it.
There was a lot of drama for Emmas first birthday, and this year felt like a repeat for Sophia. So on top of feeling sad that my baby isn't a baby anymore. I had to deal with that, and know that both my girls even though they would never remember had awful events surrounding their first birthday.
That aside, we celebrated as a family. Ihop for a late breakfast Which Sophia loved because it was the first time she had eggs! I didn't have my camera so I didn't get any pictures which is unfortunate. While we were there just about everyone who walked by our table stopped to tell the girls just how beautiful and wonderful they were. And we could hear people at tables close by talking about the girls. It made my heart swell. okay okay maybe I let it go to my head just a bit, I mean they are MY kids and obviously get their great looks and charm from ME.
After a short Nap at home for So-so we went off to Westford to the butterfly place. Which to be honest, not worth the 31$. It was cool though. As soon as we got in there Emma sorta freaked out, because as cute as butterflies are from a distance. NOT so cute when they are all up in your grill.
One almost immediately landed on Sophias belly. I wasn't able to snap a photo because I was busy trying to save the butterfly from an untimely crushing, pulling, de-winging death. Other then that, Sophia didnt give a crap there there were a bajillion flying colorful creatures swirling around her. She wanted to try to destroy leaves and flowers and run into other kids knocking them down. Did I mention my child is a monster?
We went out to dinner and then back home to let a very sleepy 1 year old relax after a day that was very busy for her short little legs.
Her Party has not happened yet, but I am very excited about it.
Emma Rose
Emma turned 5 years old!
How crazy!! My once little baby is now a real human being with real thoughts and a real personalitywith a real attitude problem.
We did a small family thing on her actual birthday after she got out of school.First she opened presents, then went to Ihop because she really wanted 'special birthday pancakes', (which she talked about for a week straight).We went to get ice cream then came home and played outside with bubbles! It was a nice low key day.
Then came the party. And it was a blast.
It took us awhile to pick a theme for her party, she kept changing her mind, first it was Dinosaurs. Then it was fashion. And Finally we settled on Alice in Wonderland, Which I got REALLY excited about.
She wanted to have her party at Pump It up. So my decorating options were limited, I guess that's a good thing because I could have gone crazy with this idea.
Her Cake more then made up for the lack of decorations.
A bunch of kids from her preschool class came, some friends and cousins.
Everyone had such a good time. Even Sophia who was to young to bounce on anything.
I'm so glad that Emma had such a great day, However I would be happy if these birthdays were not every year, this growing up thing.... not workin for me.
How crazy!! My once little baby is now a real human being with real thoughts and a real personality
We did a small family thing on her actual birthday after she got out of school.First she opened presents, then went to Ihop because she really wanted 'special birthday pancakes', (which she talked about for a week straight).We went to get ice cream then came home and played outside with bubbles! It was a nice low key day.
Then came the party. And it was a blast.
It took us awhile to pick a theme for her party, she kept changing her mind, first it was Dinosaurs. Then it was fashion. And Finally we settled on Alice in Wonderland, Which I got REALLY excited about.
She wanted to have her party at Pump It up. So my decorating options were limited, I guess that's a good thing because I could have gone crazy with this idea.
Her Cake more then made up for the lack of decorations.
A bunch of kids from her preschool class came, some friends and cousins.
Everyone had such a good time. Even Sophia who was to young to bounce on anything.
I'm so glad that Emma had such a great day, However I would be happy if these birthdays were not every year, this growing up thing.... not workin for me.
My Silence.
I've been having a hard time figuring out what to write recently. I have a lot going on in my personal life and i promised myself this time, this blog I would be open and honest about things no matter how messy.
But I just can't seem to get myself to write about whats been going on. Up until recently I didn't want to accept thing and I kept hoping everything would go back to the normal i knew before.
A few things have come to pass in the mean time and I think I'm starting to accept a new 'normal'.
And I guess I'm okay with that.
But I just can't seem to get myself to write about whats been going on. Up until recently I didn't want to accept thing and I kept hoping everything would go back to the normal i knew before.
A few things have come to pass in the mean time and I think I'm starting to accept a new 'normal'.
And I guess I'm okay with that.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Hey there.
I have so much to write about like Emmas birthday. and her party.
Also, My heart break.
But I just don't feel ready.
I had plans to sit down and write everything out, Link some photos of Emma's Birthday, Talk about my beautiful 5 year old and the changes I've seen in her. And maybe a bit about how Sophia is a walker now... I know!! A WALKER!!
But, I'm not feeling it today. In fact, I'm not feeling much of anything right now.
I'm okay, just not feeling like expressing anything yet. I want to keep some things for just myself a bit longer.
Also, My heart break.
But I just don't feel ready.
I had plans to sit down and write everything out, Link some photos of Emma's Birthday, Talk about my beautiful 5 year old and the changes I've seen in her. And maybe a bit about how Sophia is a walker now... I know!! A WALKER!!
But, I'm not feeling it today. In fact, I'm not feeling much of anything right now.
I'm okay, just not feeling like expressing anything yet. I want to keep some things for just myself a bit longer.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Can you hear me? Over.
Matt bought Emma walkie talkies a few months ago. And for the past few days Emma and I have been playing with them. These walkie talkies are so great. We live on the second floor and I had to go to the basement to get laundry last night, Emma told me to being my walkie with me when i went down there. I didn't think they would work but all of a sudden I head "Mom, are you okay?". I was so suprised!! and it was so cute.
I figured I would take advantage of these great toys. I and I told Emma she could keep one in bed with her and I would keep the other. This way if she got scared or needed some crazy demand met she wouldn't have to get out of bed. (this is great because she will find any reason to get up and walk around)
Little did I know it would add to the list of my favorite memories.
Me- Emma, can you hear me?.
Emma- Yes mom
Me- Love you, goodnight.
Emma- Mom, I love you more then hershey kisses.
Me- I love you more then Ice cream.
Emma- I love you more then horses.
Horses??? that one made me laugh.
Em is so friggin cute I can't even take it!
First thing this morning too I hear my walkie ring and Emma's sleepy voice "Mom, I'm awake, are you awake?" <3 <3 <3
I figured I would take advantage of these great toys. I and I told Emma she could keep one in bed with her and I would keep the other. This way if she got scared or needed some crazy demand met she wouldn't have to get out of bed. (this is great because she will find any reason to get up and walk around)
Little did I know it would add to the list of my favorite memories.
Me- Emma, can you hear me?.
Emma- Yes mom
Me- Love you, goodnight.
Emma- Mom, I love you more then hershey kisses.
Me- I love you more then Ice cream.
Emma- I love you more then horses.
Horses??? that one made me laugh.
Em is so friggin cute I can't even take it!
First thing this morning too I hear my walkie ring and Emma's sleepy voice "Mom, I'm awake, are you awake?" <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Emma's answer of the day.
Emma, where do babies come from?
your tummy.
How do they get in there?
You go to the baby doctor and they put them in.
How do they come out?
They roll out... or crawl out, of your tummy
your tummy.
How do they get in there?
You go to the baby doctor and they put them in.
How do they come out?
They roll out... or crawl out, of your tummy
Monday, May 2, 2011
Michelle and the Terrible, Horrible, No good very bad day.
Today was a Terrible, Horrible, no good, very bad day.
First thing is morning Sophia leaped from the bed. As In, She lunged forward over Emma’s head into the guard railing, knocking the railing over and onto the floor and smacking her head on the way down.
After Emma and I comforted poor daredevil Evil Kenevil Sophia, she said “oooooowwww” in her cute little baby voice which made us all laugh.
The next horrible thing to happen was, Toothpaste cap in the TOILET!!! There is no logical reason this actually happened. It was a series of unfortunate events that landed that cap in the toilet. It slipped out of my hand then bounced off the sink; I went to grab it and instead punched it right into its final destination.
I did however take a picture of it to send it to Matt and Jess. Jess was sorry for my loss.
It helped.
Next, no good very bad thing to happen was I noticed in my confirmation email from Walmart.com that my order was going to the wrong address. Instead of whatever3 it was going to whatever6 (which is pretty far down the road). I don’t know if any of you have had to try to contact walmart.com… but its friggin impossible. I have a feeling contacting Osama would be easier, well…. Not so much anymore. But maybe even still!!!
FINALLY I get in touch with someone after 30 minutes and “I’m sorry we can’t help you.”
Really, you can call down to the warehouse where it is and have them change the 3 to a 6, OR change it in the computer? It’s not like it was shipped yet.
But then the girl told me I could cancel my order, and I’d get a refund in 3-5 business days. Fine, let’s do that. “Oh, I’m sorry; I can only cancel 2 of your items the other 3 will have to be shipped”
So what the eff is going to happen to the other 3 items? Well apparently when the items come I can just refuse delivery and it will be sent back to Wal-Mart and I will get my refund… How am I supposed to refuse delivery when it’s going to NOT MY HOUSE you may ask… yeah I asked the same thing.
What is really going to happen is they are going to be shipped to said wrong address, and those people may or may not keep my items, Because if a bunk bed shows up at your house, fully paid for would you send it back?... maybe. I have to wait for this stuff to be delivered to the wrong house and then call wallmart.com, try to reach a real person and verify I in fact did not get the stuff I ordered that was sent to not my house.
……And then reorder everything and hope I get it ….someday! (yeah, we will see)
I was so mad at the end of talking to this girl and then she asks (and I’m sure they have to, but really?) “Did we meet your needs and expectations today?” Are you for real?
No you egg sucking monster of a useless person, you did not! My needs were far from met and my expectations, well actually I don’t expect much from Wal-Mart and this just helps cement my deeply rooted hate for all things Wal-Mart. So what if they have supper yummy cheesy bread sticks and delicious cheesecake. I think I will stick Target and be the stuck up Target snob that I am thank you very much.
After that Horrible wal-mart interaction I have to rush my ass to Emma's school to pick her up. And Sophia is on a rampage and does not want to be held, doesn't want to stand up, only crawl around on the dirty school floor. (Hello every sickness ever, here is your invitation into my house).
While Sophia is doing her baby thing on the floor, I can hear in Emma's class they are singing there goodbye song and lining up, that is when Sophia goes and hits her head on the floor, in front of everyone, And Starts screaming like a little baby banshee.
I don't think these people are going to award me "Best Mom" at the end of the year. However maybe they will all pitch in and by me a nice bra.
In other news, I have one week to get everything packed and ready to move and Finish my criminal justice final. Lets hope tomorrow brings better days.
P.s.
As I was ending this blog, Sophia head butt me in the mouth. I now have a fat lip bloody lip.
 |
| Is it bed time yet? |
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Emma never has to go back to school agian right?
Here's a little story of my most embarrassing mommy moment... which happened a few minutes ago.
I had to go to Emma's school to drop her off and I brought Sophia with me since Matt is at work, though this isn't an uncommon occurrence.
So Emma is in line (because she always has to be the first one) and I'm letting Sophia walk around holding onto my hand, some teachers start stampeding through the call and I wanted to move Sophia so I pick her up and she decides to pick up my shirt with her!... soo that was great, everyone just got a free show, and I wasn't even wearing my good bra.. damn it.
After refusing to make eye contact with anyone, praying that by some grace of God there was a tiny explosion, or someones kid spontaneously combusted and everyone looked away from me and my ridiculously cute child in that moment, I put Sophia down and we are walking again. I was also swinging her and she was having a grand time, but I was hoping for time to speed up so I could run out of there, But as luck would have it right as the teachers come out to get the kids I pick up Soph so we canhigh tail it the eff out of there wave bye to Emma and Sophia pukes EVERYWHERE!!!
And of course this is one of the few times I didn't bring any baby gear so i have nothing to clean it up with... So I'm standing there like a pukey moron, red faced and horrified.
To say the least, I never want to go back.... I wonder if Emma knows the way to walk home.
I had to go to Emma's school to drop her off and I brought Sophia with me since Matt is at work, though this isn't an uncommon occurrence.
So Emma is in line (because she always has to be the first one) and I'm letting Sophia walk around holding onto my hand, some teachers start stampeding through the call and I wanted to move Sophia so I pick her up and she decides to pick up my shirt with her!... soo that was great, everyone just got a free show, and I wasn't even wearing my good bra.. damn it.
After refusing to make eye contact with anyone, praying that by some grace of God there was a tiny explosion, or someones kid spontaneously combusted and everyone looked away from me and my ridiculously cute child in that moment, I put Sophia down and we are walking again. I was also swinging her and she was having a grand time, but I was hoping for time to speed up so I could run out of there, But as luck would have it right as the teachers come out to get the kids I pick up Soph so we can
And of course this is one of the few times I didn't bring any baby gear so i have nothing to clean it up with... So I'm standing there like a pukey moron, red faced and horrified.
To say the least, I never want to go back.... I wonder if Emma knows the way to walk home.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Reading and working out.
I have been reading lots of things these past few weeks, maybe months. (i sorta lose track of time), Mainly its been about food and health. There is so many things about food that I have learned, I have a plethora of new recipes I want to try as well.
I've learned a lot about trans fat .....and that the process of makeing prepackaged deli meat included ammonia. YUM!
I find myself reading labels a lot more to see whats in food I am buying instead of just throwing it in my cart because its just something we've always gotten, I take time to find the better item.
There are lots of little things we have an will be changing in this household to make our lives healthier.
It will be baby steps, seeing as how Emma is against anything that isn't chocolate cereal, peanut butter, chicken nuggets or pop-tarts. But we will get there. ( I hope)
I'm not sure how much of this I will blog about, but hopefully I will get motivated to start writing in here again.
Also, as of yesterday I started working out again, A bit of cardio, strength trainning (okay that part was very little) and a bit of Yoga.... I'm a lot stretchy-er then I thought I was, considering that my ass has grown about 2 sizes over the last year and okay I won't blame it on my thyroid completely, those cheesy bread sticks might have had a part in all of this. Damn you delicious bread sticks.
I also realized just how incredibly hard it is to work out with my monsters children around. I had Emma screaming for me in her room every 5 seconds for some ridiculous demand or to tell me some crazy story that would take a normal person 5 seconds to spit out but it takes Emma 3 minutes. and right when I was in the middle of my cardio, Sophia woke up and wouldn't stop yelling. So I took her out of her swing and after that she was trying to run me over. I got 30 minutes in and I'm hoping for more today. But we shall see.
I just know there needs to be a change, in myself and in this house. We all need to be more active and more health conscious.
I've learned a lot about trans fat .....and that the process of makeing prepackaged deli meat included ammonia. YUM!
I find myself reading labels a lot more to see whats in food I am buying instead of just throwing it in my cart because its just something we've always gotten, I take time to find the better item.
There are lots of little things we have an will be changing in this household to make our lives healthier.
It will be baby steps, seeing as how Emma is against anything that isn't chocolate cereal, peanut butter, chicken nuggets or pop-tarts. But we will get there. ( I hope)
I'm not sure how much of this I will blog about, but hopefully I will get motivated to start writing in here again.
Also, as of yesterday I started working out again, A bit of cardio, strength trainning (okay that part was very little) and a bit of Yoga.... I'm a lot stretchy-er then I thought I was, considering that my ass has grown about 2 sizes over the last year and okay I won't blame it on my thyroid completely, those cheesy bread sticks might have had a part in all of this. Damn you delicious bread sticks.
I also realized just how incredibly hard it is to work out with my
I just know there needs to be a change, in myself and in this house. We all need to be more active and more health conscious.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Long awaited update!
I have not had much to write about these past weeks. A lot of stress and crazyness and no one wants to hear that!
However, we have had a bit of fun in the mean time, we went bowling for Emma's first time with my friend Jaime and her daughter Jordan. It was lots of fun and I look forward to doing it again, even though Jaime beat everyone!! and Emma's score wasn't far behind mine haha.
I've been inspired to be healthier. So we were (and i say were because since the girls have been sick thats all fallen off track) trying to make healthier meals, more fruits and veggis, Homemade stuff father then pre packaged. Useing better ingredients. I've been doing lots of reading and found a few blogs that I am now stalking. One really fun one is www.thislunchrox.com If you have kids it is a must check out.
We were also inspired by my cousin Karen to start family walks. The girls love it. Emma took her magnifying glass along to investigate bugs.
Agian tho, the sickness has put those plans to bed for awhile.
We went to the annual Marron family Easter party (hosted by my grandpa and grandma Elaine). The girls had fun even though Soph was a big under the weather.
We will be moving back to Grafton next month and everyone is very excited! This apartment has sucked so bad and our new place is very promising. PLUS we will be closer to Emmas best friend!! YAY! Lots of out door fun this summer I can see already!
Here are some pictures!
Emma and Jordan
I love them!!!
However, we have had a bit of fun in the mean time, we went bowling for Emma's first time with my friend Jaime and her daughter Jordan. It was lots of fun and I look forward to doing it again, even though Jaime beat everyone!! and Emma's score wasn't far behind mine haha.
I've been inspired to be healthier. So we were (and i say were because since the girls have been sick thats all fallen off track) trying to make healthier meals, more fruits and veggis, Homemade stuff father then pre packaged. Useing better ingredients. I've been doing lots of reading and found a few blogs that I am now stalking. One really fun one is www.thislunchrox.com If you have kids it is a must check out.
We were also inspired by my cousin Karen to start family walks. The girls love it. Emma took her magnifying glass along to investigate bugs.
Agian tho, the sickness has put those plans to bed for awhile.
We went to the annual Marron family Easter party (hosted by my grandpa and grandma Elaine). The girls had fun even though Soph was a big under the weather.
We will be moving back to Grafton next month and everyone is very excited! This apartment has sucked so bad and our new place is very promising. PLUS we will be closer to Emmas best friend!! YAY! Lots of out door fun this summer I can see already!
Here are some pictures!
I love them!!!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
No title is a fitting title.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed latley.
Between work, the girls, school, my chronic neck/back pain, my thyroid problems, appointments and my ALWAYS disgustingly messy house.... I am going crazy!
I feel like I'm not able to get ahead. I don't have time to do everything and I feel like constantly being behind is really getting me down.
I can't wait for sun, and I can't wait to move and I just can't wait until my neck isn't hurting me.
Between work, the girls, school, my chronic neck/back pain, my thyroid problems, appointments and my ALWAYS disgustingly messy house.... I am going crazy!
I feel like I'm not able to get ahead. I don't have time to do everything and I feel like constantly being behind is really getting me down.
I can't wait for sun, and I can't wait to move and I just can't wait until my neck isn't hurting me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Crabby Mommy Monster strikes Tokyo!
I have been out of work on leave for a week now, and date to return is TBD And I am going CRAZY!
I find myself to be super short with the girls, and then I'm mad at myself at the end of the day when I sit down and think "I'm a giant crazy monster"
I never realized how important work was in my life, not for the sake of the job, because lets face it.... my job kinda sucks. It's boring, mind numbing work. The only challenge I face is will I be able to sit through this 6 to 8 hour shift without wanting to blow my brains out.
And I can hear some of you already "why don't you get a new job".
Well my dear readers let me tell you why.. Actually I just wrote that out and it totally derails this post.so lets disregard that and leave it for another post.
Even tho my job sucks, I miss it. in an "i-must-be-so-out-of-my-mind-its-disgusting" sort of way. But I need interaction with humans other then the preschool/non-verbal baby type. I get excited when we run out of milk! So I get to go to the store.. for those of you who were unaware.
I must say this wouldn't be so hard on me if it were the summer time, When I can go outside an enjoy the nice weather.
But winter is cold and snow is even colder and wetter. I'm not a fan. Neither is Sophia. Emma is sometimes. So we don't get out much and it does not help that we don't have a yard... and the little plot of land they like to refer to as a yard is unusable thanks to the inconsiderate dog owners in out building. Thanks guys!!
I dislike being a crabby mommy monster. But in my defense. It doesn't help that my neck/left shoulder blade/back/chest area has been in increasing pain since Jan 1st.
Hopefully I will get some relief and a much needed break and be back to my normal not so crabby self.
I find myself to be super short with the girls, and then I'm mad at myself at the end of the day when I sit down and think "I'm a giant crazy monster"
I never realized how important work was in my life, not for the sake of the job, because lets face it.... my job kinda sucks. It's boring, mind numbing work. The only challenge I face is will I be able to sit through this 6 to 8 hour shift without wanting to blow my brains out.
And I can hear some of you already "why don't you get a new job".
Well my dear readers let me tell you why.. Actually I just wrote that out and it totally derails this post.so lets disregard that and leave it for another post.
Even tho my job sucks, I miss it. in an "i-must-be-so-out-of-my-mind-its-disgusting" sort of way. But I need interaction with humans other then the preschool/non-verbal baby type. I get excited when we run out of milk! So I get to go to the store.. for those of you who were unaware.
I must say this wouldn't be so hard on me if it were the summer time, When I can go outside an enjoy the nice weather.
But winter is cold and snow is even colder and wetter. I'm not a fan. Neither is Sophia. Emma is sometimes. So we don't get out much and it does not help that we don't have a yard... and the little plot of land they like to refer to as a yard is unusable thanks to the inconsiderate dog owners in out building. Thanks guys!!
I dislike being a crabby mommy monster. But in my defense. It doesn't help that my neck/left shoulder blade/back/chest area has been in increasing pain since Jan 1st.
Hopefully I will get some relief and a much needed break and be back to my normal not so crabby self.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Milestone!
Today Sophia decided it was time to stand on her own two feet. Literally.
My Little girl, my little baby. Pulled herself to standing today!
I wasn't able to get pictures yet because it was so exciting! That we just celebrated but I will definitely grab pictures of her doing it today!
Lets place bets on when this little girl will be walking!
My Little girl, my little baby. Pulled herself to standing today!
I wasn't able to get pictures yet because it was so exciting! That we just celebrated but I will definitely grab pictures of her doing it today!
Lets place bets on when this little girl will be walking!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
My name is NOT Emma.
Introducing Casey.... I came home from work one day last week and I was informed my oldest daughter was no longer going by the name Emma. She was now to be called Casey...... proceeded by hours and days of "what was the name I picked?"
Oh, what's your name, you are so silly!
Bringing light to the darkness.
I've been having a dream lately of a childhood memory.
I was at the park beside my house playing on the jungle gym that was fashioned like a covered wagon, only not covered.
I turn around and there is a man on the opposite side of the jungle gym, I knew this man back then but his face is absent from my dream, and memory.
He's holding on to the top of the bars leaning in and says "why did you tell your parents? why did you lie to them?"
Frozen I say " I didn't lie."
I try to move to one side and he mirrors my actions. I jump off the end of the jungle gym and I run to my neighbors house, I bang on the door and ask if my friend Billy is home. I remember sitting in his living room while he watching some TV show and I kept looking at the window scared to look outside, I eventually fall asleep on the floor until one of my parents comes to get me, though I'm not sure which one it actually is.
That really happened, in real life. In my real life. I was very very very young. I'm not sure why I was allowed to play outside all by myself at that age..... but I was.
I'm not sure why this dream has been occurring. I'm not sure why I relive those moments.
For a long time growing up I was never sure if these were real memories, or just dreams I remembered for so long.
Maybe I always knew they were real but my conscious mind wouldn't let me really accept them.
To this day a lot of it is still blank. I remember playing with my friend I can't remember her name though. She had the best doll house, and I was always so jealous of that doll house. I had never owned one even though I had an absurd amount of barbies. I remember going into her dads room and then it's blank. I don't remember the leading up to his room, I don't remember what happened. I remember talking to my mom in my room at night, and I remember being scared. I remember my 'safety picture' it was a picture of apple trees in green grass. And I remember the feelings I had, embarrassment, guilt, sadness. All those emotions changed into anger as the years went on.
Tho I never knew where all the anger came from. I was never sure if anything I remembered was real. No one talked about it. No one mentioned anything. It was as if it never happened.
But I knew something was wrong with me. And I never could tell exactly what it was.
Years later I confided in what I thought was a friend. I sent her an email about what happened to me tried to explain things.... I needed to tell someone I needed to talk about it, I needed for there to not be a deafening silence around this.
Later on that friend, posted my email to her, on a blog she owned. Mocking me. making fun of my spelling errors and what had happened to me. She posted it for everyone to see.
I regretted telling her, i regretted confiding in her, the first person I talked to about this... ever.
Now, I didn't know who knew, who read her mean, hurtful post.... my email. I secretly never wanted to go back to school. But I'm not one who ever backs down or runs away defeated.
Over the next few years I told a few people, people who experienced similar things, people who needed someone to relate to, to confide in. I wanted them to know I knew how they felt.
Only, Its different. Its different because I can't remember the details. Its different because I only have the aftermath that is left inside me. The brokenness is all I know. I just cant remember the incident(s) that broke me.
The last year and a half I have had to deal with more then one occurrence that has brought all of this rushing back. flooding me in an instant and I am frozen in the moment. I relive a lifetime in a few minutes.
I don't know how to handle these sorts of things. I know what I went through and I know what it brings but I feel the proper steps were never taken in my case when I was very little and unable to take those steps myself. When I was unable to form the correct thoughts and voice my own opinion on the matter. So when I am faced with something so strong and it is left in my hands to choose the path we proceed I feel helpless. I don't want to do the wrong thing, I don't want to miss step, Its to fragile a situation to make even the slightest wrong move, it could set forth a change that will last a lifetime, a change that is not always for the best.
My immediate reaction is completely and utterly emotion based so I have to sit back and detach myself from it so I can think with the clam clear mind, but that feels wrong in a way.
I also feel that it is wrong that I can't remember. Shouldn't I remember? Why do so many people have these memories they have to deal with and I was the 'lucky one' who can't remember who can only feel what is left. When I think about it, it makes me feel guilty.
I decided years ago that I was not going to let my brokenness run my life, but I've come to realize it's not something I can control. It's who I am. It has molded me into the person I am today as did everything about my past, good and bad. I am emotional tho mostly I harnessed my anger and use it to fuel my determination in anything I did, now I try to control my anger instead of letting it control me. I'm a fierce fighter when I feel the fight is worth it. I can be completely indifferent when i choose to be. I am always their for anyone I call a friend, I will bend over backwards for any one of them if they truly need help. I have proven that time and time again. I love Matt and my children with a fierceness I never thought I could. I would and will fight tooth and nail for my family.
As i grow older I learn more about myself, I learn more of what I am capable of. But I also learn to accept when I need help. I'm taking steps to be a better me so I can be a better mommy, a better girlfriend, a better friend and a better person in general.
I'm sure I will write more about this sort of topic in the future, I have a lot of it inside of me, and a lot I have never shared with anyone. It's very hard to let people see inside the brokeness.Especailly when on more then one occastion I have been mocked by people I once trusted.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I'm the bad guy. but maybe its a good thing?
Last night I had a mommy moment that I'm not happy about and would like to share with you, and maybe you can give me a little advice or your opinion.
It started off with me asking Emma to pick up her puzzle she had all over the floor in the living room. She refused and stared to watch TV. I told her I would have to shut off TV until she picked up her puzzle if she did not start it right now.
She started to yell. I shut off TV. She proceeded to pick up one of the 3 remotes and threaten to turn it back on. I kept my tone even and under control and I told her "we were not playing, this was not a game, pick up your puzzle and I will turn TV back on"
She tried getting the correct remote from me, she was laughing and giggling and either thought it was a game or was trying to turn it into a game. However I did not find the same humor in the situation.
She started to freak out, Then informed me she was NOT going to EVER pick up her puzzle.... unless daddy helped her.
She went over and sweetly asked Daddy to help her "Daddy, pretty please would you help me pick up my puzzle, please, pretty pretty please"
Daddy. "No Emma, I am busy doing something you pick up your puzzle"
That went on for a few minutes until she ran to her room and shut the door... well not shut the door, slammed her door. (I don't take kindly to slamming doors or stomping feet. We need to respect the people downstairs)
Let me side track here and tell you, though Emma is generally a well behaved little girl she HATES cleaning and picking up after herself... when she doesn't want to. It is Literally driving me crazy. I come home from work and the house looks like a tornado hit it, between her, Sophia and daddy. So I have little patients for this sort of thing because it happens on almost a daily basis and nothing I do to modify her behavior in this area is working.
So, after she runs to her room crying and slams the door, I inform her if she does not pick up her puzzle I will pick it up but if I have to pick it up I will throw it out. She screams like someone just cut off her leg. How could anyone throw out her most favorite puzzle of he life that she has had for only 24 hours.
Calmly I tell her, I have asked her nicely many times to pick up her puzzle and she has to make a choice, to pick it up and keep it, or I pick it up and throw it out. But she has a choice and her choices and actions have consequences.
She came out of her room and told me she would NEVER EVER clean up her puzzle because no one would help her.
I had to explain to her that I would have gladly helped if she has asked nicely from the start instead of screaming and not listening. And Daddy already told her many times he was busy.
She Stomped around and said "I will NEVER EVER CLEAN UP!"
So at this point I have had enough (keep in mind its been about 20 minutes) and I Stand up and she FREAKS THE FREAK OUT!
I start to pick up the puzzle because I feel I have given her more then enough chances, I've explained the consequences and she has made her choice... I refuse to do this all night.
She is yelling, throwing herself on top of the puzzle, stomping, screaming bloody murder.
I look up at Matt at his computer and said "anytime Matt, anytime you can jump in here"
I'm not sure if he said anything because I was trying to not lose it and I had a screaming 4 year old in my ear.
after a few minutes of Emma trying to rip the pieces out of my hands Matt stands up and says "Emma calm down I will help you pick them up."
WHAT?!?!
If you were going to help her pick them up, you should have done it when she ASKED the first time. NOT after all of this. Because now she said no she will never pick it up, thrown a fit, screamed, and so forth. In my book she lost her puzzle. and NOW he is helping her pick them up and she gets everything she wants.
In my book she just learned "If i yell enough, I will get what I want"
I was so mad that I dropped all the pieces I had picked up and sat on the couch in a huff.
I was so mad, I felt it was absolutely wrong. and I felt slightly betrayed, maybe that is the wrong word, but I feel Matt should have backed me up here and I'm still upset about it.
I kept my cool through the whole thing, Usually it ends up as a yelling match between Emma and I. Yes I'm not proud of the fact that a 4 year old provokes me into yelling and I'm not proud that I lose my temper, HOWEVER, I have been working on it.
Emma and I have started to do Deep breathing when we get upset. (and sharing our feelings for instance Emma has to tell me when shes mad, or sad and tell me why so we can work from there) So I am trying to set a good example for her. I do not want my girls to grow up and handle anger the way I always have in the past so I'm taking steps to improve this.
Matt feels Emma is 4 and can't control all her actions that's she still impulsive and doesn't always understand. He also thinks that taking her stuff away wont teach her, because it hasn't in the past...
True, in the past we have taken things away... but she ALWAYS GETS THE BACK! in a day, a week, a month.. she ends up with it back. She's not learning anything.
I feel Emma knows what she is doing shes a smart kid. I know she sometimes does things to manipulate, she does sometimes fib, I know this. I know she is ready for negative consequences for her negative actions. She will learn if we are consistent.
However we have to be a united front. Most of the time he does back me up, even if he does not agree. But last night I worked really hard to be clam and explain things clearly and she made her choice.
I want Emma to learn her actions have consequences, good and bad. I want her to learn to pick up after herself and value her possessions. and I want her to listen.
However I should note while I was typing all of this out, Emma had her puzzle all over the floor again. She was eating her cereal and Sophia was crawling around. She started to go after Em's puzzle and Em ran over to protect it from the clutches of Sophzilla. And she ended up picked up her puzzle when she noticed Soph wasn't going to give up on getting her slobbery paws on those delicious puzzle pieces. When she finished picking it up she announced to me that she was good and picked it all up.
It started off with me asking Emma to pick up her puzzle she had all over the floor in the living room. She refused and stared to watch TV. I told her I would have to shut off TV until she picked up her puzzle if she did not start it right now.
She started to yell. I shut off TV. She proceeded to pick up one of the 3 remotes and threaten to turn it back on. I kept my tone even and under control and I told her "we were not playing, this was not a game, pick up your puzzle and I will turn TV back on"
She tried getting the correct remote from me, she was laughing and giggling and either thought it was a game or was trying to turn it into a game. However I did not find the same humor in the situation.
She started to freak out, Then informed me she was NOT going to EVER pick up her puzzle.... unless daddy helped her.
She went over and sweetly asked Daddy to help her "Daddy, pretty please would you help me pick up my puzzle, please, pretty pretty please"
Daddy. "No Emma, I am busy doing something you pick up your puzzle"
That went on for a few minutes until she ran to her room and shut the door... well not shut the door, slammed her door. (I don't take kindly to slamming doors or stomping feet. We need to respect the people downstairs)
Let me side track here and tell you, though Emma is generally a well behaved little girl she HATES cleaning and picking up after herself... when she doesn't want to. It is Literally driving me crazy. I come home from work and the house looks like a tornado hit it, between her, Sophia and daddy. So I have little patients for this sort of thing because it happens on almost a daily basis and nothing I do to modify her behavior in this area is working.
So, after she runs to her room crying and slams the door, I inform her if she does not pick up her puzzle I will pick it up but if I have to pick it up I will throw it out. She screams like someone just cut off her leg. How could anyone throw out her most favorite puzzle of he life that she has had for only 24 hours.
Calmly I tell her, I have asked her nicely many times to pick up her puzzle and she has to make a choice, to pick it up and keep it, or I pick it up and throw it out. But she has a choice and her choices and actions have consequences.
She came out of her room and told me she would NEVER EVER clean up her puzzle because no one would help her.
I had to explain to her that I would have gladly helped if she has asked nicely from the start instead of screaming and not listening. And Daddy already told her many times he was busy.
She Stomped around and said "I will NEVER EVER CLEAN UP!"
So at this point I have had enough (keep in mind its been about 20 minutes) and I Stand up and she FREAKS THE FREAK OUT!
I start to pick up the puzzle because I feel I have given her more then enough chances, I've explained the consequences and she has made her choice... I refuse to do this all night.
She is yelling, throwing herself on top of the puzzle, stomping, screaming bloody murder.
I look up at Matt at his computer and said "anytime Matt, anytime you can jump in here"
I'm not sure if he said anything because I was trying to not lose it and I had a screaming 4 year old in my ear.
after a few minutes of Emma trying to rip the pieces out of my hands Matt stands up and says "Emma calm down I will help you pick them up."
WHAT?!?!
If you were going to help her pick them up, you should have done it when she ASKED the first time. NOT after all of this. Because now she said no she will never pick it up, thrown a fit, screamed, and so forth. In my book she lost her puzzle. and NOW he is helping her pick them up and she gets everything she wants.
In my book she just learned "If i yell enough, I will get what I want"
I was so mad that I dropped all the pieces I had picked up and sat on the couch in a huff.
I was so mad, I felt it was absolutely wrong. and I felt slightly betrayed, maybe that is the wrong word, but I feel Matt should have backed me up here and I'm still upset about it.
I kept my cool through the whole thing, Usually it ends up as a yelling match between Emma and I. Yes I'm not proud of the fact that a 4 year old provokes me into yelling and I'm not proud that I lose my temper, HOWEVER, I have been working on it.
Emma and I have started to do Deep breathing when we get upset. (and sharing our feelings for instance Emma has to tell me when shes mad, or sad and tell me why so we can work from there) So I am trying to set a good example for her. I do not want my girls to grow up and handle anger the way I always have in the past so I'm taking steps to improve this.
Matt feels Emma is 4 and can't control all her actions that's she still impulsive and doesn't always understand. He also thinks that taking her stuff away wont teach her, because it hasn't in the past...
True, in the past we have taken things away... but she ALWAYS GETS THE BACK! in a day, a week, a month.. she ends up with it back. She's not learning anything.
I feel Emma knows what she is doing shes a smart kid. I know she sometimes does things to manipulate, she does sometimes fib, I know this. I know she is ready for negative consequences for her negative actions. She will learn if we are consistent.
However we have to be a united front. Most of the time he does back me up, even if he does not agree. But last night I worked really hard to be clam and explain things clearly and she made her choice.
I want Emma to learn her actions have consequences, good and bad. I want her to learn to pick up after herself and value her possessions. and I want her to listen.
However I should note while I was typing all of this out, Emma had her puzzle all over the floor again. She was eating her cereal and Sophia was crawling around. She started to go after Em's puzzle and Em ran over to protect it from the clutches of Sophzilla. And she ended up picked up her puzzle when she noticed Soph wasn't going to give up on getting her slobbery paws on those delicious puzzle pieces. When she finished picking it up she announced to me that she was good and picked it all up.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The inseparable duo
Lots of people told me that having Sophia would turn Emmas world upside down. (including my dad) Since she had been an only child for so long she would hate having to shair the attention with a new baby that she wouldn't really like because it was also another girl.
They told me that having the two girls would be very hard.
My family is simply amazing.
Emma LOVES Sophia, more then any big sister has ever loved a little sister. Since day 1. Emma has always been right there for Soph, always wanting to be around her make sure she is included. If someone is playing with Sophia and they are having fun, Emma will go see whats going on and enjoy watching and then go back to what she was doing. There is no jealousy what do ever. Sometimes she will join in. She always makes sure her little sister is taken care of.
And Sophia. LOVES her big sister. As soon as Emma walks into the room Sophia lights up and starts to giggle and babble.
Sophia has been saying "Em ma" forever. We laughed at first because we thought it was a funny accident, but she keet doing it. I'm not so sure it is just a happy accident
My two girls are inseperable.
I remember the first time Emma was going to Grandpa's after Sophia was born and when she found out Sophia wasnt going to be staying and it was just her, she cried and cried because she didnt want her sister to be without her. :)
I hope their bond lasts forever.
And I hope any more children we may have are excepted just the same way by both Emma and Sophia .
Fishsicle
Emma is to funny!
She drove by a frozon pond with her Grandpa the other day he said "Emma look the pond is frozen"
and she said "All the fish are stuck"
And just to visualize what she was visualizing was pretty funny to me.
A childhood dream
When I was little... Whenever my family and I would be driving anywhere I would sit a certain way in the back seat so people driving behind us could see just how beautiful I was, and maybe... just maybe it would be a movie scout... or a prince? Or someone who was rich and famous and would want me to marry their equally rich and famous son. I thought they would spot me and then follow us where ever we happened to be going just to sign me to a movie, or set up a date with there ridiculously good looking son who would someday down the road marry me.
Or for some reason just by looking at me they would know I was a great signing and sign me to a record label and I'd become the next pop star...
Um.... it hasn't happened yet, but I still have my fingers crossed.
Friends
Recently I read a post on Face book that said "Friendship is a relationship. It doesn't work if only one person cares." and as cheesy as it is, it got me thinking.
I have been a crappy friend lately.
I get mad when my 'friends' don't put forth the effort to maintain a relationship. I know I have kids and some of them don't so hanging out doesn't always sound like fun to them. And I know they have their friends that they go out with, and that's cool. But it would also be nice to hear from them, or get a text from them, I don't think that takes up to much time....
....I realized the things I have been getting mad about, I myself have been guilty of doing. And I seriously need to reevaluate myself... and some of my 'friends'
I need to start putting forth more effort and making time. and I'd expect the same from my friends.
I need to stop wasteing time on dead relationships and nurture the ones that are still here the ones that even tho i disapper without warning sometimes they are always there and always trying to make me come around aigan.
To you guys, Thank you.
Don't underestimate me
Remember when I told everyone I wanted to go back to school and everyone told me I couldn't and/or shouldn't do more then 1 class that I couldn't/ wouldn't be able to handle it with both my girls and my full time job.
Well remember when I didn't listen to any of you and I took 3. And got all A's. And remember how I still have time to spend with my girls, and work.
Oh and Remember when I was homeless with a 1 year old and everyone told me I should drop out of the EMT courses I was taking. and Remember when I didn't. And remember how I worked really hard and got my own place all while raiseing a beautiful little girl and working my ass off.
People clearly underestimates me and what I am capable of.
I have decided I need to stop turning to my fair weather friends for advice and guidence. I think I do better when I rely on myself.
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