Better run, better run, out run my gun.

Nothing

My head has gone to a place I don't want it to be.

I feel so alone. And I feel like if my kids were not the lifesaving anchor keeping me from being swept out to sea then I'd have nothing.

Its the worst feeling.

Any one who has known me long enough, knows I hate admitting there is a problem that I can't handle myself. Or a problem in general. I've always been really strong.
But this is kicking my ass, and its stupid but it makes me feel worse SAYING there is a problem, being weak.

I've kept my head above water while treading here endlessly, and I havn't given up. And I don't plan on it.

I guess I'll just keep drifting until I see land.

Big Steps.

I can not believe that Emma is starting Kindergarten on Monday.
I'm not really ready for this.

I mean, yeah she did preschool last year but it was only 3 days a week. AND i drove her and picked her up.
But she is taking the bus! I'm already a nervous wreck!

She is so excited though! And I'm happy for that. I hope she keeps up her love for school for a long time. And I'm thankful I have at least one kid who completely depends on me, well at least for a few more years.

Emma is only going for a half days,but its hard to let her go, and realize that my little baby is growing up, a lot faster then I'm ready for.


However, while Emma is in school it will give me time to work out while Sophia naps. So thats good. I've lost 12lbs, strictly by dieting. And by dieting I mean Eating less and eating better.
 So working out will be great.. I wanna be less Jello like. and also 30 lbs lighter.

Only rainbows after rain

Have you ever unexpectedly had a  moment where your heart was monumentally changed forever?

It's a pain that I can't even describe. It's a pain that I'm not sure how it could possibly ever end. It's a pain that stings straight down to my core.

It makes me feel worthless, and broken.

I wake up everyday and I put a smile on my face for the girls. I try to ignore it. but Everything reminds me that my heart is broken.

Is it beyond repair?

I keep telling myself that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to make it through this and be a better person for it. But I'm not sure I can truly believe that right now.

Never in my dreams did I ever think I would be experiencing this.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.