I just wanna be ok

On the Bright side

Cupcake debacle

We got Emma a cupcake a few weeks ago, I don't remember the occasion. Maybe because she was extra good that day, or maybe just because that cupcake was SO CUTE!! It was Bright Pink with a beach theme and 2 star fish on top with a beach umbrella.

Anywho Emma enjoyed the heck out of this cupcake. but of course didn't finish all of it, because well there was a lot to this cupcake. Probably close to 20 lbs of bright pink frosting. So in the trash the cupcake carcass went.


About 10 minutes later we find this.

Okay so really what we found was a bit worse then that, because it was all over her, her clothes and the floor.

My monster is a dumpster diver, I should have known better.

I don't photo well.

I have many many photos of the girls, and the girls with Matt. They come out fantastic.

The girls and I however never seem to photo well... at all.

I think I have seen only a handfull of pictures of me and one or both of the girls that is not laughable.

I tried to get a good photo the day Emma graduated from Preschool.

This is what I got.....

 

My face looks huge, my Bra is hanging out (thanks Em), Emma looking incredible bored, and Sophia looking off at cookies or something....

Dumb mommy thoughts.

So as much as I love my two girls and I cant actaually function without them.
In fact I wont even go to the store unless one or both of them go with me. Its weird to be walking around without my kids... who do I talk to other then myself??
I have gone a few times, and I still squeeze past people and say "excuse us".... and realize there is no us, just me. and this Me looks like a crazy person..

However with all my ability to handle with great ease my two crazy girls, and i do mean crazy. I still have a ridiculous fear bringing them to places such as the EcoTarium, or Aquarium, or anyone ium you can think of by myself, without backup, or another set of eyes, and ears for the matter because Emma likes to talk mine right off.
I'm scared I will lose one of them in a crowd, or the littlest monster will take off in the opposite direction. and lord knows shes impossible fast with those short little legs. Or Emma will want to do something Sophia can't and then I have to stay back with Sophia while Emma is alone. No good.

In a familiar or fenced in area I'm able to manage both my girls with ease, but I start to freak out that i'm going to fail at my mommy duty  at one of said ium places...

So instead of going and trying, I don't go and we all suffer for it.
That's super lame. 

And as i write this I realize how stupid it is.





* I should note while writing this, Sophia took a face dive over the arm of our living room chair and rolled onto her head. she is insane.

I'm not hard on myself. No, Not at all.

I have a really hard time being happy with myself.

I always feel that I'm not good enough. I'm not a good enough mom, student, sister, friend. I'm not thin enough. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not smart enough... you get the idea
I have a hard time accepting that people might genuinely like me, or accept me for me and not have some kind of hidden agenda.
I dont often see any good qualities in myself.

So recently I decided I should try to change the things I don't like, that I have control over.
But damn it's hard.

I've been trying to lose weight, but I'm definitely an emotional eater, and I eat when I'm bored, and I eat when I'm happy... okay so I basically eat every second of everyday.
And I do really well for like 6 days and on day 7 I sorta fall off the wagon, but I go to bed saying I'll do better tomorrow. and then I don't and then 4 days later I'm still trying to get back on that wagon. I suck.

I don't know why I struggle so much.

Lets hope I can start over tomorrow. Try number 405,230,650

Why you gotta be so mean.