I Wish I Was Only Dreaming

What is there left to say when you feel like you've already said all you could.
What is there left to say when you feel like no one is listening.
What is there left to do when you feel like you've run out of options.
I feel like I'm constantly hitting a brick a wall.
I feel like I am constantly fighting an up hill battle.
I feel like there is just to many demons to fight alone.
I feel like I can't truly trust anyone.
I feel all alone.

I wish I could move far far away, change my name and disappear.

It's been a while... so heres a post.

I've always had a very hard time doing or saying anything that could make me be perceived as weak or a failure.
And that's driven me for a long time.
Only weak people can't handle emotions.
Only weak people cry.
Only people who are weak take medication or go to therapy.
You're a failure if you admit you need help.
You're a failure if you can't do everything yourself.

These are some of the things that I've always told myself, I've always felt.

It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, it still takes some for me to admit that I always will. It's hard for me to change this state of mind that I've Lived so long with.

But thank god for my kids. They alone are the reason I looked for help.
Even tho the majority of my brain tells me that no one needs me, everyone would be better off, or at least unaffected with out me. A very small, incredibly smart part of my brain told me to stop being stupid, that my girls will always need me. And if I want to be around, physically, mentally and emotionally then I need to do something.

So I started seeing a counselor. And though it helped, it wasn't enough, so I did what I never wanted to do. I called my doctors office and I told the secretary I needed to see the doctor, when she asked what for. I said out loud for the first time, depression. And she didn't start laughing, she didn't say "are you serious? Fucking suck it up."  And booked me an appointment for that day.

When I went in to see the doctor, as soon as she walked in the room she asked me if I needed a hug and I just started crying! When was the last time someone saw Me struggle and asked if I needed a hug??? Of course I said no, because I still can't really accept help or comfort, it makes me uncomfortable.
However, we talked and I was prescribed medication.
The next few weeks were rough, for everyone. But I had warned Matt prior to me starting them that I might go crazy and to be understanding.
Weeks passed and things leveled out, and for the first time in a really long time I was on the floor playing with my kids. When I saw my therapist she said she could see such a drastic change.  My sex drive also jumped out of this world as a result, so yay to that side effect!!

It really makes me extremely sad that I didn't do this sooner. It maybe could have changed the course my relationship with Matt took.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache. It could have maybe kept me out of this dark place I'm still fighting to get out of.. who knows.
I just wish I sought out help a long time ago.
I wish I hadn't let the stigma of mental health, of depression alter what I should have been doing.
I admit its still hard for me to accept that I have depression. That people, although ignorantly, will still view me as weak or a failure really bothers me. But at least I'm here for my girls. At least I'm present for the relationship I'm in with Matt. At least even on my bad days I can get to a place where I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have really bad days, weeks even. I still struggle. I know I probably need to up my medication a bit. It's a work in progress.
It's still hard for me to open up about problems, its so easy for me to internalize everything because I don't want to burden anyone.  But it also doesn't help that I don't really have a good support system in place. I'm hoping that will also come with time, and acceptance.

It's hard to admit that I'm crazy. But really now, who hasn't known this for years? Most people are just afraid to say it.

There is a blog I read, a lot. This lady has looked depression in the face and felt its breath on her neck and she's still here, she's writing about it and putting a face to this invisible disease. She wrote something at the end of one of her posts that I want to share here:
If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren't the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family.


I think its the last line that always makes me cry. No, its definitely the last line that makes me cry. Because sometimes in the middle of my painful sadness when I feel I have no reason to hang on, I just hang onto my family.
(Side-note: Matt, maybe that's the reason its been so hard.)










"Hopeless, helpless and unable to function. A mind shutting down and taking the body with it. A pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off."

Dumb mommy thoughts.

So as much as I love my two girls and I cant actaually function without them.
In fact I wont even go to the store unless one or both of them go with me. Its weird to be walking around without my kids... who do I talk to other then myself??
I have gone a few times, and I still squeeze past people and say "excuse us".... and realize there is no us, just me. and this Me looks like a crazy person..

However with all my ability to handle with great ease my two crazy girls, and i do mean crazy. I still have a ridiculous fear bringing them to places such as the EcoTarium, or Aquarium, or anyone ium you can think of by myself, without backup, or another set of eyes, and ears for the matter because Emma likes to talk mine right off.
I'm scared I will lose one of them in a crowd, or the littlest monster will take off in the opposite direction. and lord knows shes impossible fast with those short little legs. Or Emma will want to do something Sophia can't and then I have to stay back with Sophia while Emma is alone. No good.

In a familiar or fenced in area I'm able to manage both my girls with ease, but I start to freak out that i'm going to fail at my mommy duty  at one of said ium places...

So instead of going and trying, I don't go and we all suffer for it.
That's super lame. 

And as i write this I realize how stupid it is.





* I should note while writing this, Sophia took a face dive over the arm of our living room chair and rolled onto her head. she is insane.