Bathtub

Renting this apartment above my mother has it's advantages. HOWEVER, I really miss having a bathtub.
We have only a stand up shower and it's great if you want to save the planet... because who wants to stand up in the shower for an hour, and how relaxing can standing in a foggy mini jail be?.. But who wants to save the planet when it comes to filling up a tub with a ridiculous amount of water, basically a mini swimming pool. At least 3 times a week. 

I used to do all my reading for my classes in the tub. That might be TMI, but seriously, it was the only place I didn't have someone using my face as a pillow or catipulting over or onto me. It's also nice not hearing MOM! MOMMY! MOOOOOOOOOOMMM!! (Do they not know they have a dad? Come on!).

I mean realistically, I should blame this apartment completely for making me fall behind in my class.

Can I pass in a note from my landlord to the professor, it's possible she will understand. right?

Snow Day!

Woke up this morning and could not see out of my bedroom window (On the second floor) The snow drift from the roof below it was so tall. We also could not get out our front door.

After it stopped blizzarding outside and the sun came out Emma and I bundled up and went out to check out the awesomeness. The snow banks out front came up to my waist and Emma could barely move. SO FUN!
We slid down the stairs, fell into snow and started to shovel out. only it was no use and BORING! So we woke Matt up. Him and Sophia joined us.

The snow walls the snow blower made were so cool for the kids. And the night before we set up the jungle gym with a tarp over it hopeing it would make a useable sturdy igloo.. Since the snow was not wet enough it didn't stick as well as we hoped but still fun.

I did not intend to be away so long

It's been over a year since I wrote in here. whoa. I never intended to be away so long but every time I thought about witting something I either was at a loss for words or I found myself doing something else instead.

I start a new job on Monday at QCC in the financial aid department. I'm not gunna lie I am nervous for sure. I'm still taking classes full time. The good news is though that I am nearly done with my associates degree. After this semester I only have 3 classes to go and my plan is to finish them this summer.

The girls are amazing. Emma is in first grade now. I'm not sure when that happened. She is an amazing student, she loves school and loves her teachers! She is also in girl scouts and looks forward to those days. We are hoping swim lessons in the summer and then karate and/or dance in the fall.

Sophia is doing great. I'm a little upset I didn't follow through on my gut feeling that something was wrong with her hearing. I'm trying not to beat myself up about it because we are taking the right steps now but it sucks knowing that this could have been dealt with a lot sooner.
She is starting speech therapy on Monday and will have surgery March 1st.

Good things are happening in the Greenwood house.

Bored.......

I find myself being so incredibly  bored these days.
A typical week day, we wake up at 730, Emma is on the bus at 8:30, I play with Soph until 10 she naps until 12 when Emma gets home. Lunch. Then a whole lot of nothing until Dinner time then baths and bedtime at 7.
Weekends are much of the same.
I don't feel like doing crafts because 1 they are messy and 2 Sophia either will make a HUGE mess and I will chase her around with her fingers covered in paint. OR she will want NOTHING to do with it and just bug/hit/pull Emmas hair.
They will play with Emmas new doll house by themselves for a long time. And I do a whole lot of nothing.

We are down to one car so I don't always have the option to go somewhere. and that REALLY sucks.

I'm looking forward to my classes starting. but I wish I had a part time night or weekend job.

I know i'm doing a lot of complaining but OMG! I'm so BORED! today was the WORST more boring day EVER!    I really need a hobby and my girls need something fun to do.

It's been so long, so heres a crappy post.

It has been FOREVER! since I last wrote in here. There has been so much to happen and I always think about writing but I never actually sit down to do it.
To be honest signing into the blog made me think of the last time I signed in. And I didn't want to think of it really.

So lets focus on good things! We got a bunny, Adagio. He is awesome. Sophia terrorizes him! she tries to sit on him, and corner him so she can pat him, hard. He just takes it tho. Such a good bun bun.

Um what else. I got engaged... wait, what?? YES! 11-11-11 at 11:11pm. = awesome.

I spend so much time on my computer planning the wedding. writting notes, being an obsessive maniac.
I bought my dress. i LOVE IT! We have the date set, the place picked.



The Greenwood Marron house had a great Christmas. The girls had so much fun!! I think next year will be even better for the girls because Sophia will understand the whole Santa thing.

I think now that i've got over the hump of signing into this account, maybe I can write something with more substance later.

I Wish I Was Only Dreaming

What is there left to say when you feel like you've already said all you could.
What is there left to say when you feel like no one is listening.
What is there left to do when you feel like you've run out of options.
I feel like I'm constantly hitting a brick a wall.
I feel like I am constantly fighting an up hill battle.
I feel like there is just to many demons to fight alone.
I feel like I can't truly trust anyone.
I feel all alone.

I wish I could move far far away, change my name and disappear.

It's been a while... so heres a post.

I've always had a very hard time doing or saying anything that could make me be perceived as weak or a failure.
And that's driven me for a long time.
Only weak people can't handle emotions.
Only weak people cry.
Only people who are weak take medication or go to therapy.
You're a failure if you admit you need help.
You're a failure if you can't do everything yourself.

These are some of the things that I've always told myself, I've always felt.

It took a lot for me to admit I needed help, it still takes some for me to admit that I always will. It's hard for me to change this state of mind that I've Lived so long with.

But thank god for my kids. They alone are the reason I looked for help.
Even tho the majority of my brain tells me that no one needs me, everyone would be better off, or at least unaffected with out me. A very small, incredibly smart part of my brain told me to stop being stupid, that my girls will always need me. And if I want to be around, physically, mentally and emotionally then I need to do something.

So I started seeing a counselor. And though it helped, it wasn't enough, so I did what I never wanted to do. I called my doctors office and I told the secretary I needed to see the doctor, when she asked what for. I said out loud for the first time, depression. And she didn't start laughing, she didn't say "are you serious? Fucking suck it up."  And booked me an appointment for that day.

When I went in to see the doctor, as soon as she walked in the room she asked me if I needed a hug and I just started crying! When was the last time someone saw Me struggle and asked if I needed a hug??? Of course I said no, because I still can't really accept help or comfort, it makes me uncomfortable.
However, we talked and I was prescribed medication.
The next few weeks were rough, for everyone. But I had warned Matt prior to me starting them that I might go crazy and to be understanding.
Weeks passed and things leveled out, and for the first time in a really long time I was on the floor playing with my kids. When I saw my therapist she said she could see such a drastic change.  My sex drive also jumped out of this world as a result, so yay to that side effect!!

It really makes me extremely sad that I didn't do this sooner. It maybe could have changed the course my relationship with Matt took.  It could have saved me a lot of heartache. It could have maybe kept me out of this dark place I'm still fighting to get out of.. who knows.
I just wish I sought out help a long time ago.
I wish I hadn't let the stigma of mental health, of depression alter what I should have been doing.
I admit its still hard for me to accept that I have depression. That people, although ignorantly, will still view me as weak or a failure really bothers me. But at least I'm here for my girls. At least I'm present for the relationship I'm in with Matt. At least even on my bad days I can get to a place where I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

I still have really bad days, weeks even. I still struggle. I know I probably need to up my medication a bit. It's a work in progress.
It's still hard for me to open up about problems, its so easy for me to internalize everything because I don't want to burden anyone.  But it also doesn't help that I don't really have a good support system in place. I'm hoping that will also come with time, and acceptance.

It's hard to admit that I'm crazy. But really now, who hasn't known this for years? Most people are just afraid to say it.

There is a blog I read, a lot. This lady has looked depression in the face and felt its breath on her neck and she's still here, she's writing about it and putting a face to this invisible disease. She wrote something at the end of one of her posts that I want to share here:
If you are depressed, please know that you are not alone. Please get help. If you know someone who is depressed, please understand that they are in pain, and please help them get help. Most importantly, listen to music a little louder, dance a little crazier, sing out loud in the shower, honk your horn for no reason, give your dog an extra treat, call your mother and tell her you love her, hug your friends even if they aren't the touchy-feely type, eat french fries once even though your diet tells you not to, walk around your house naked, and hold tight to your motherfucking family.


I think its the last line that always makes me cry. No, its definitely the last line that makes me cry. Because sometimes in the middle of my painful sadness when I feel I have no reason to hang on, I just hang onto my family.
(Side-note: Matt, maybe that's the reason its been so hard.)










"Hopeless, helpless and unable to function. A mind shutting down and taking the body with it. A pain not physical but not of my comprehension and always there, a buzzing fluorescent light that you can't turn off."